Agile but lazy

st petersburg traffic
Saint Petersburg traffic 2016

I really have difficulties starting things and when I do, I hardly finish them. I’m such a lazy person. I can be agile on some things. Like thinking. My mind is full of different thoughts. It might look like I’m not doing anything but my brain is working nonstop. That is typical for an introvert. I don’t know about others but the reason I keep things to myself in a conversation is that the person can’t keep up with me. When I talk to my dad and change the subject, he thinks I’m still talking about the same thing even if I’m not. I usually keep a pause between subjects so he doesn’t get confused. I think before I speak so I don’t need to say things straight away. My mouth is faster than the sound so I have to repeat myself to others. I rather not say anything at all because I can’t stand repeating myself.

I prefer writing to talking. If I write my thoughts down by hand, my handwriting is hard to read. Sometimes I can’t even read my own handwriting. Writing on the computer is much more fun which is the reason why I write some of my fanfiction straight on the computer. It also saves a lot of time. When ideas come flooding, there is no stopping. Most of the agile I have is in the mind. I wish I could think less and just take a chance.

It feels like I’m really far behind everyone else in my age group. I’ve thought about things too much instead of doing something. I’m a dreamer and not a doer. I also change my mind a lot. Others have probably changed careers a few times already and I haven’t even started mine. Even people younger than me have had more job experience than I have. It’s no wonder they get the jobs I’ve applied to. When I don’t have enough motivation to do things, I just give up. It’s both laziness and the fear of failure. I could blame others for the problems I have but in the end, it’s really my own attitude I should work on.

I hate doing things in a hurry. I want to take my time. If you do things in a hurry, the result won’t be very good. I missed and forgot things because I did them in a haste. I only get frustrated and nervous. I don’t know why life must be so agile. People want to do things right this minute. Slowness can be agitating, like slow internet connection which drives me crazy sometimes. But everything doesn’t need to be done in a hurry. The world doesn’t end if you don’t do things at certain times. You don’t need to have a 20-year plan. People should live their life the way they see fit. If they want to have a family before 25 let them have it. If people want to stay single rest of their life, it’s their choice. Life would be much easier if we all accepted different ways to live. If my slowness bothers other people, it’s not my concern. I get things done my way and on my own time.


So many penchants but so little time

lap top and papersI’m one of those people who can’t decide what I like doing the most. I’ve got so many different things I find enjoyable so I can’t just choose one. In a way, I envy those who only got at least one penchant that they focus on. My mind goes everywhere. That’s one of the reasons why it has taken me so long to find what I want to do for a living. I always wanted to be different. I wanted to have a job where I could express myself. I’ve  looked for things other people thought were impossible. I’ve never been driven by money. It’s good to have but I rather have a job that I like. Life’s too short to do something only because of money. If I have to do something I’m not interested in, I feel trapped and my motivation is low. I’ve had those internships where I had nothing to do and I was bored out of my mind. Anyone could feel the same in that situation. You should do what you like and is good at it. It doesn’t matter what others think.

There is an advantage for liking different things. If you get bored with one thing, you can do another. I for one get bored if I do only one thing. If it’s music taste or movie genre, my likes are wide-ranged. I couldn’t listen to one kind of music style. There are so many good songs so I can’t choose which is my all time favourite. I don’t even know what’s the best band in the world because there’s so many I like. The same goes for artists. It’s easier to choose which ones I don’t like. That’s the same with anything else in life. I usually choose things with feeling. What kind of music I listen or what kind of movie I’m gonna watch depends on my mood. It doesn’t matter what kind of song it is. I can listen to sad songs even if I’m happy. Some might listen to sad songs when they’re sad but I find songs with a positive tune a much better cure. Music has always been a helpful tool for different emotions for me. Laughing also makes me feel better.

I love comedy but not just any kind. I think they used to make much better comedy shows and movies in the past. What you see these days are not funny at all. The only show that I can mention from the 2010’s is ‘The big bang theory‘. Some might not find it funny but that’s their opinion. Maybe ‘Modern Family‘ but I haven’t watched it that much. ‘30 Rock‘ was funny too. It seems that young people find being drunk and act like an idiot, is funny. The funniest comedy shows were made in the 80’s and 90’s. They’re still funny. Good ones will never get old. What you see now, won’t be remembered in 20 years or more. They’re not funny now so they won’t be funny then. I guess all the best ideas are already done. At least you can watch the oldies on DVD’s or online streaming. There’s just so many good ones but so little time.

If I had to choose just one penchant, then it would be writing. Not only blogging but also writing in general. It has always been a part of me since the day I learned to spell. I had my first diary at 7 but then it was just scribbling. Writing is easier than talking. When you write you have time to think. You can always come back to it and add things. But when you talk to someone, you can’t get it back or you forget to say something. I think before I speak and even then the words don’t come out the way I thought in my head. Afterwards, I wish I had said those things and it torments me a few days. Writing can also be a disadvantage. People can misunderstand you and it’s more difficult to write the exact thoughts in words. Writing emotions or sounds in words is most difficult. In any language. I sometimes struggle with that and try to find an answer on the internet. Then it frustrates me when I can’t find the answer. Those are probably the only downsides to it. Other times, writing is fun and a great distraction from other daily things. We all need an escape from time to time and writing is mine.



My worst critic is me

water drops

Have you ever thought you can’t do something no matter how hard you try? When things don’t go the way you plan it, you give up. No? Then it’s just me then. I’m my worst critic. My mother used to say I can do it but I’m haven’t been that confident. I know I can do things if I put my mind to it but I’m too critical of myself. Maybe I’m a bit of a perfectionist. You don’t see that in my daily life though. My flat is a mess. It’s more in my mind. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect. Except for paintings on the wall. A crooked picture is really disturbing.

Sometimes when I write fan fiction I feel satisfied with my work. But other people don’t give any criticism so I don’t know how to get better. I get likes and all that but I never get any real feedback. Not even any reactions. If I read my stories as another person, I would have a lot to say about the stories. People never think the same I do. I shouldn’t compare myself with other fan fiction writers but they seem to get more comments than I do. I wouldn’t even say they’re better at it. It depends on what you write about and who. I still will write and post my stories despite that. When I read my old stories, I do see I’ve got better. That’s what matters the most, that you see it yourself. Other people don’t need to tell me. Writing is probably the only thing I’m not critical of myself.

The same goes with photography. I hardly get any deep analysis online. A like or two but hardly any comments. Am I suppose to notice it myself if I got better? It makes me think if my photography is even any good or are they the same as any other. I should be satisfied with what I think about my skills and not about what other think. Once I got feedback but the person wasn’t even an expert on photography. They said they could have taken a photo like that. But it does take out the excitement out of photography when you hear a negative comment like that. I wanted to become a pro but now my thoughts have changed so I’m less critical of myself in that field. I’m torturing myself sometimes that I can’t get the photo I want. I’m the worst critic and I’m never satisfied with the outcome. If someone likes a photo, it’s only then I’m happy.

Once you get that “I can’t do it” you start to think you can’t. How would you know if you don’t try it? What I’ve learned through the years is when you fail, you try again. If that doesn’t work, try something else. Being critical of yourself helps you trying harder to get better at what you do. You’re never ready and learning new things keeps life interesting.