Have you ever thought you can’t do something no matter how hard you try? When things don’t go the way you plan it, you give up. No? Then it’s just me then. I’m my worst critic. My mother used to say I can do it but I’m haven’t been that confident. I know I can do things if I put my mind to it but I’m too critical of myself. Maybe I’m a bit of a perfectionist. You don’t see that in my daily life though. My flat is a mess. It’s more in my mind. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect. Except for paintings on the wall. A crooked picture is really disturbing.
Sometimes when I write fan fiction I feel satisfied with my work. But other people don’t give any criticism so I don’t know how to get better. I get likes and all that but I never get any real feedback. Not even any reactions. If I read my stories as another person, I would have a lot to say about the stories. People never think the same I do. I shouldn’t compare myself with other fan fiction writers but they seem to get more comments than I do. I wouldn’t even say they’re better at it. It depends on what you write about and who. I still will write and post my stories despite that. When I read my old stories, I do see I’ve got better. That’s what matters the most, that you see it yourself. Other people don’t need to tell me. Writing is probably the only thing I’m not critical of myself.
The same goes with photography. I hardly get any deep analysis online. A like or two but hardly any comments. Am I suppose to notice it myself if I got better? It makes me think if my photography is even any good or are they the same as any other. I should be satisfied with what I think about my skills and not about what other think. Once I got feedback but the person wasn’t even an expert on photography. They said they could have taken a photo like that. But it does take out the excitement out of photography when you hear a negative comment like that. I wanted to become a pro but now my thoughts have changed so I’m less critical of myself in that field. I’m torturing myself sometimes that I can’t get the photo I want. I’m the worst critic and I’m never satisfied with the outcome. If someone likes a photo, it’s only then I’m happy.
Once you get that “I can’t do it” you start to think you can’t. How would you know if you don’t try it? What I’ve learned through the years is when you fail, you try again. If that doesn’t work, try something else. Being critical of yourself helps you trying harder to get better at what you do. You’re never ready and learning new things keeps life interesting.
I’ve always been a creative person and to create is to live. There are different ways to be creative and it doesn’t have to be drawing. That has never been my favourite thing and I guess no one has really known me as someone who can draw very well. It’s kind of funny because both my parents could do it much better than I have. My creative talent is somewhere else.
Sometimes I doubt my abilities. I think maybe it’s only me who think I’m good at creating things. It doesn’t really matter what others think though. I’m still going to create because that keeps me focused and it helps me get through life. Creativity is like breathing and you can’t stop doing that. It’s also a good exercise for the brain.
Being creative can also be annoying. Especially when you post things online. You do a lot of work and still, no one appreciates your efforts. This happens a lot when I post my fan fictions online. I don’t do that for my own amusement. If I did, I would keep them to myself. I can understand if people don’t want to read them because it’s not about their favourite subjects. But those who does read fan fiction in general, you would think they at least would leave a comment or at least a like. I wish people would see my stories the way I do. I’m really proud of my work and it’s a shame I don’t get the same reaction some writers do. You never really know what people read online so those statistics doesn’t prove anything. Every story can’t be as popular as the others and I can live with that. The lack of reactions just irritates me sometimes and it takes out all the creativity in me.
Everyone should be allowed to do things they find most comfortable with. Those who criticise creative people are probably only jealous because they’re not. You can still create even if it’s just a hobby. Creations don’t have to be artistic. Creating can be cooking, baking or just something to do. If people knew how to use their creativity better, they wouldn’t need a smartphone to keep them entertained. There’s no such thing as bored. If you know how to create then you should have no problem to make up something to do. Technology has made people lazy and there’s no creativity in that. To create is to live and you don’t need gadgets for that. Unless you’re the one making creative apps and such. That’s another story altogether.
Or I don’t even know if I can call it that. Fan fiction are usually written and read by horny teenagers. The stories are based on TV series or movies and it’s characters. But I’m not really into that. I don’t really understand this infatuation to Slash fan fiction either. It’s a bit disturbing reading about heterosexuals turning homosexuals. Unless they really are but that’s a different matter.
I don’t really read fan fiction. Unless it’s about Formula One drivers. I’ve written a few of those. I even had a blog about it here on WordPress last year. But those fan fictions are in the past. I haven’t written any fiction lately. I prefer those RPF (Real Person Fiction) Writing them that is. I don’t think I never read one. I only write them for me. Only in English. It’s good practise and also a way to get thoughts out of my head. I get inspirations of the people (men in this case) I write about. And boy what an inspiration they give me. I don’t even know if I can call my fictions real person fiction. The only thing that is real, are the names. And maybe a little of their personality. But other things are just in my imagination. And why would they mind, it’s not like they will know. Even if I decided to post them on the internet. Which could happen. Or it would not.