The puzzled child

rubiks cube on black

Watson: “I don’t understand.”
Magnussen (condescendingly): “You should have that on a T-shirt.”

(In a later scene)

Watson: “I still don’t understand.”
Magnussen: “And there’s the back of the T-shirt.”

– BBC Sherlock, The last vow

Even if I’m an adult I still feel like a puzzled child. Sometimes I have times where I would still need my mother but other times I’m like an old soul who got it all together. If it’s about daily life choices or occupations, I’ve always been indecisive. When I was younger I had future plans but now I live as the day comes. It’s easier that way because I’ve had so many disappointments in life and the future is less scary that way. You can’t really plan ahead because you never know what will happen. Living as the day came became even more significance after my mother died. When she was sick, you couldn’t really do anything else besides that.

Being someone with a lot of interests, it’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you can do a lot of different things. The curse is not being able to decide or it takes longer. I’m between things I like and things I wouldn’t care less about. Unfortunately, in this life, you have to do things even if they’re repulsive. After primary school, I had to apply to an education I didn’t care about, nursing. I was against it but now I’m thankful I did. I also had a very good career advisor who helped me to find an education. A lot of young people (15-18-year-olds) don’t get anywhere so they have a bigger risk to become outcasts. So you have to start somewhere. I don’t really envy young people today because now there’s so much to choose from. What they should remember, the occupation they choose now doesn’t mean they need to do it the rest of their life. It’s OK to change your mind. I used to know quite a few people who changed careers. That’s what I did wrong. I thought I had to so stick with one so it took me years to know what I wanted to do the most. I’m a bit worried I waited too long but how would I have known I change my mind a lot. Like my mother used to say. The older you get, the more difficult it gets to find a job. Age shouldn’t matter but the society cares too much about it. You can’t go back. What’s done is done.

I wish I did things differently in the past but they just weren’t meant to be. I was too careful. But I would rather do things I like and not stay in a job I hate. I haven’t had a real job but the internships I’ve been to have both been good and some bad. I’ve been to the jobcentre several times and I guess they’ve became tired of me because I couldn’t decide. They even offered me a work pension once which I obviously declined. I’m a puzzled child, not disabled to work. I’ve never got anything but courses and internships from them anyway. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I wish I didn’t have to go to the jobcentre anymore. Last time I was there, the clerk asked if a web designer is my final occupation. Well, I don’t know about that. I might lose motivation if I can’t find a job. Finding a job in a field you finally chose is not easy. There’s pressure everywhere and there’s a lot of other people looking for the same thing. People might think I’m a difficult person. But I’m just the puzzled child who looks things from different angles before deciding anything. If someone got a problem with that, then too bad.

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Forlorn away from success

blue pearlsIt seems that everything I do or do in this life so far hasn’t given me any success. I feel forlorn and cursed. Maybe people find me uninteresting. Especially when it comes to job search. Studying doesn’t seem to help to get a job. I don’t know what I should do so someone could find the connection with me. Nothing has come easy for me. In social media, Tumblr blog, personal life etc. For example, I had to start my Tumblr blog all over again because I wanted to delete my previous one. To make a long story short. It took me at least 5 years before I even got followers there and I need a way to get them back. Should I wait another 5 years? OK, it’s not the end of the world if people don’t follow me. It didn’t take overnight to get followers on this blog either. My point is, it can feel frustrating to work so hard and yet you don’t get much back no matter what it is.

It’s mentally exhausting to have a thought you’re not qualified for anything. I might say I don’t mind if things won’t happen the way I wish. But that’s just a defence mechanism. I don’t want to be famous or anything but I don’t want to be ignored either. Maybe it’s an introvert thing or a Gemini thing but I want things but I’m not confident enough to do anything about it. Sometimes I dislike myself. I’m probably the most indecisive person I know. I really don’t practice what I preach. It’s so easy saying to other people what to do but doing them yourself is difficult. I really hope there is no one like me out there. I could not handle a person like me. I guess my weakness is putting myself down. I know I can do anything but I’m too much of a coward to do anything. When things go wrong, I usually blame myself. But like everyone else, I have a dark side.

I really had some anger issues when I was younger. I had moments when I totally lost it. I could throw things and stomp as loud as I could. All of this happened at home. I never showed that side of me in public. I didn’t hurt other people, just myself. Sometimes I could be so frustrated, I hit myself. I didn’t know why I was so angry. To this day, you don’t want to see me angry. I still got easily irritated but it’s only because the way people behave. I have my pet peeves like anyone. I get over my anger easily though. I learned there are things you can’t do anything about. If I don’t get what I want, I don’t get upset. How other people behave, it’s not my fault. I can’t make people become friends or employers to hire me. As an adult, you can’t have tantrums like some kids have in public. I really hate being angry. I become a really unpleasant person. I swear like a sailor and I might say hurtful things. That’s a side I don’t want other people to see. But people shouldn’t act like idiots either. What goes around, comes around.

Most time I’m a calm person. I have manners and take other into account. When you get to know me, you can see I can be silly too. I just hate being the one who has to take the initiative. In school, I had to start a conversation to get to know people. Never the other way around. I got the idea they didn’t want to be my friend. Even now in adult education. They say you should network with your classmates but they didn’t even ask if they could keep in touch. I guess I wasn’t that interesting to them. Oh well, people come and go. I rather am forlorn than be with the wrong people. The same with relationships. I might be picky but at least I have standards. I always want someone I can’t have anyway. For some having someone in their life is really important but for me, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, there are so many other interesting things to think about then relationships. Freedom is so much more appealing so I stick with that for the time being.

Allergic to you

dust on tarmacI’m not allergic to food or animals but I am allergic to dust, sweat, strong smells and cigarette smoke. I’ve mentioned before about my atopic eczema. If I was allergic to food I could choose what to eat. But when it comes to fragrances, there are things and places that are difficult to avoid. When you’re around people, there’s always someone who wears too much perfume. Or smoker who just been outside. That’s the worse smell ever, a person who has just smoked. I can hardly breathe if someone like that is close by. When smoking was still allowed in pubs and cruise ships, my skin reacted to the smoke. It got itchy and I had dry skin for days. Luckily, they forbid smoking inside and now it’s much nicer to travel on ships. Except for my skin still gets dry but that’s because of the bedclothes in the cabins that are washed with strong detergent.

I can’t sweat so running and other “sweaty” things should be avoided. If I do run, my skin becomes itchy and it’s really unpleasant. That’s why I hate if I’m late and I have to run. I can’t do physical work. Any job where you have to wash your hands often or use strong detergents is bad for me. Even hot weather makes my skin itch. I can’t stay in the sun for too long either. In winter the eczema is the worse. In the summer it’s not that bad. Some people think it’s contagious but it’s not. It doesn’t look very nice but you won’t get it if you touch someone. My allergy is mild compared to what others might have. Some have it on their hands but luckily I haven’t. Mine is mostly on my face and arms. Sometimes my face is so red, I’m not very willing to go outside. I use an emollient cream which seems to work. Moisturizers that doesn’t contain alcohol is good for me. I have to use fragrance-free products but luckily there’s quite a lot to choose from. Wearing wool on bare skin makes me itchy. When I was younger, I was so embarrassed for having eczema on my arms so I wore long-sleeved shirts all summer. As I got older I noticed wearing short sleeves made it better. It’s the sweat that makes the skin itchy.

House dust and especially during cleaning makes my nose run. I begin to sneeze and sometimes I get a 24-hour flu because of it. That’s the reason I don’t like dusting. Dust also make my face itch. The dust outside in the spring also gives me mild reactions but not as much as inside. Sometimes I think maybe I should hire a cleaner because of my condition but I don’t like strangers touching my things. Besides, housekeepers cost money and I rather clean my flat myself. Anyone with an allergy of any kind knows life isn’t peachy but you learn to live with your imperfections.