Never enamored

dead yellow rosesThis is not a secret but I want to keep my personal life for myself. But I can tell you, I’ve never been enamored. In other words, never been in love. I’ve had infatuations and maybe I felt I was in love. But you can’t be in love with someone you have never met. I can’t even remember if I had a crush on someone close by. I just haven’t found anyone of my liking. It’s easy to find someone you like but falling in love is not. I can’t imagine how being in love feels. Falling in the feeling of love is a piece of cake. If I did fall in love, it wouldn’t be mutual. That’s the story of my life.

I love the feeling when I like someone so much I can’t stop thinking about them. But I don’t like the feeling that I can never meet them in person. I love a lot of things but that’s not being in love. For example, I love certain actors but I’m not in love with them even if I know things about them. I guess my destiny is never to experience being in love and I’m totally OK with it.

Tallenna

Tallenna

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Gate of life

white gateYou might know the saying, ‘When one gate closes, another opens’ I’ve had a lot of those but unfortunately none of them has been the right one. If it’s about what schools I’ve attended, places I’ve been to or the people I’ve met. I’ve learned through life that it doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past. All you can do is look forward. At least to the near future. People I’ve met when I was a kid doesn’t matter anymore. That’s why it’s called the past. I don’t want to keep in touch with people who didn’t appreciate me and I don’t care what they do today. They’re irrelevant.

If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t want to go back. It would have been nice to keep my mother alive though. But you can’t change the past. Maybe I’ve said this before in some post but if I hadn’t been through what I have, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Things you go through in life are a lesson you learn and you do things a different way. There are mistakes I’ve done several times just to make sure and I’ll continue to do them. It’s a mistake I make every time I meet new people. Maybe they’re not mistakes but a part of my personality. First I decide to be brave but when the time comes, I get back to my shell. I just don’t feel secure enough around people I don’t know. I’m not an open book but still, people notice I’m an introvert. In their eyes, it’s shyness since the word introvert is not a familiar word. I shouldn’t need to explain myself to others. It’s their problem if they don’t want to approach me because I’m reserved.

The most difficult gate to open is finding a job. You would think someone with different skills would get a job easier but it’s not. The older you get, the worse it becomes. A real job with real pay and not an internship where the employer gets cheap labour force. I can’t seem to get my foot in the door of any company. What’s the point of having a couple of degrees when you can’t impress anyone who could hire you? I do admit I’m a bit lazy to send out applications but when you can’t find anything suitable to apply for, then I can’t find the point of applying to just anything. I’ve applied to two companies who do web design but no luck. I’ve had problems of finding my niche in careers and when I finally find one, it’s not good enough. Maybe it would be better to start working for myself instead of working for someone else. It’s getting more tempting as the autumn gets closer. I did enjoy the time when I worked for a client on the job learning. Having a choice when to work was freedom. I’ve always wanted to work on the internet so maybe web design is the answer to my wishes.

I’m actually bored with trying to find the right gate of life. My sin is laziness. I lack ambition and I’m always been afraid of taking risks. There are things in life that I will miss having to experience but I’ve settled with my destiny. Even there’s still time, the fact is I’m not getting any younger. If they made a movie of my life, it would be the most boring movie ever made. On my tombstone, it would probably say, ‘She lived’ and that’s it. The harsh truth is some gates will be unopened and that’s something you just have to accept.

Chained to you

chainI’m not easily pleased. I expect too much from myself. I feel like I tether myself to my emotions. Things I do and the choices I make, I’m always doing what my heart tells me. I have unrealistic dreams which are the reason why they never come true. I’ve been through thick and thin with what I wanted to do for a living. Since I was a teenager, I wanted to come so many things. It depended on what I felt at the time. I never wanted to have a so-called ‘normal job’ One time I wanted to become a journalist. I even studied it. I wanted to meet celebrities and interview them. But the reality is different from the dreams. During my studies, I realised I can’t both listen and write. I interviewed a teacher and I just couldn’t keep up with what he replied to my questions. In the end, it was the teacher who wrote the final interview. The whole writing process and the stress in a journalist job weren’t for me. My motivation for a job like that was meeting famous people but there’s something more than that. I chose that profession because that’s what my heart told me at the time. Now that job would probably be boring to me. I’m indecisive and I have a hard time concentrating on one subject at a time. I always find negative things about things. I’m chained to my emotions and I’m a loose canon. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t found my place when it comes to careers. I don’t want to get stuck in one place. I get bored easily and I like changes. Maybe I’ve finally found my ‘calling’ in web design but it’s early yet since I haven’t found a job. My emotions are controlling this decision and also finding the courage to take the leap.

I’m chained to you, a life of emotions. I like my life and I don’t have the obligations other people have. I can do and go wherever I please. I could be sad about not having anyone in my life but as the years go by, I don’t really want anyone. Sometimes it feels lonely though. There are times I wish I could have someone I could be with. Someone I can do things with. I like the feeling of the thought someone only having eyes for me. Someone who thinks about you no matter what they do. I wish someone could feel the way I feel. Liking someone who doesn’t even know you exist, is difficult in the long run. When no one has never looked at you that way, it’s easier to fantasise about someone you can’t have.
But when I see people having relationships and it has its problems, I realise how easy I have it. I want an easy life without heartache and having to think about someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s selfish to only think what’s best for yourself but I like my freedom. I can dream about anything and if I want to do something, I don’t have to ask for permission. I can fancy anyone I like without having to make someone jealous. I also have more money to spend. What’s selfish is having kids because that’s what humans are made for. No wonder there are parents who don’t know how to take care of their children. It’s also selfish to have kids only because you want someone to care for you when you’re old. You might just as well get a pet if you feel lonely. Even they need care so if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you shouldn’t get one.

I used to like bands before they got big. I was up with the times when it came to entertainment. But then my likes for sport took over and I didn’t pay attention to anything else. I got slow for discovering new talents or hot movies. I wasn’t interested at all in these science fiction and superhero flicks. Batman was the only one. Star Wars was silly, Marvel was even sillier. Then these TV shows, The X-files, Stargate SG1 and Sherlock were uninteresting to me. I swore I would never watch them. New TV shows were even less interesting. Then came Game of Thrones. I heard about it so when they showed the first episode on Finnish TV, I decided to watch it. After one episode I wasn’t really sure about it so I watched another. You know when you open a Pringles and you take one chip/crisp to taste it. You like it so much so you take another and then another. That’s what happened with GOT. I watched one and another but it didn’t stop there. I just couldn’t get enough of it. In another word, I was chained to it. It’s the same with Star Wars and those others I mentioned. I can’t get enough of them. I still don’t care about Marvel except for Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor. I’m chained to them and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t really want to either. If Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t be in Thor movies I probably wouldn’t watch them though.

I wish I could be this excited about my life as I am about entertainment. I want to be able to make faster decisions about what I want to do in life. I wish I was someone who could be good at one thing and wake up every morning happy to be doing what I do. Now I get stressed about what to do when I wake up. I have too many choices. I know about things here and there but I’m not an expert in anything. Being interesting in a lot of things is not always a good thing. At the same time, having different skills does give life a different meaning. You see things from different perspectives when you’re not focusing on one thing. I wouldn’t be me if I was like everyone else. I like versatility and I would get bored if I hadn’t different choices. Things I’ve been through and people I met, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know what I don’t want to become and that’s a tether that can’t hold me a prisoner.

 

Tallenna