Forlorn away from success

blue pearlsIt seems that everything I do or do in this life so far hasn’t given me any success. I feel forlorn and cursed. Maybe people find me uninteresting. Especially when it comes to job search. Studying doesn’t seem to help to get a job. I don’t know what I should do so someone could find the connection with me. Nothing has come easy for me. In social media, Tumblr blog, personal life etc. For example, I had to start my Tumblr blog all over again because I wanted to delete my previous one. To make a long story short. It took me at least 5 years before I even got followers there and I need a way to get them back. Should I wait another 5 years? OK, it’s not the end of the world if people don’t follow me. It didn’t take overnight to get followers on this blog either. My point is, it can feel frustrating to work so hard and yet you don’t get much back no matter what it is.

It’s mentally exhausting to have a thought you’re not qualified for anything. I might say I don’t mind if things won’t happen the way I wish. But that’s just a defence mechanism. I don’t want to be famous or anything but I don’t want to be ignored either. Maybe it’s an introvert thing or a Gemini thing but I want things but I’m not confident enough to do anything about it. Sometimes I dislike myself. I’m probably the most indecisive person I know. I really don’t practice what I preach. It’s so easy saying to other people what to do but doing them yourself is difficult. I really hope there is no one like me out there. I could not handle a person like me. I guess my weakness is putting myself down. I know I can do anything but I’m too much of a coward to do anything. When things go wrong, I usually blame myself. But like everyone else, I have a dark side.

I really had some anger issues when I was younger. I had moments when I totally lost it. I could throw things and stomp as loud as I could. All of this happened at home. I never showed that side of me in public. I didn’t hurt other people, just myself. Sometimes I could be so frustrated, I hit myself. I didn’t know why I was so angry. To this day, you don’t want to see me angry. I still got easily irritated but it’s only because the way people behave. I have my pet peeves like anyone. I get over my anger easily though. I learned there are things you can’t do anything about. If I don’t get what I want, I don’t get upset. How other people behave, it’s not my fault. I can’t make people become friends or employers to hire me. As an adult, you can’t have tantrums like some kids have in public. I really hate being angry. I become a really unpleasant person. I swear like a sailor and I might say hurtful things. That’s a side I don’t want other people to see. But people shouldn’t act like idiots either. What goes around, comes around.

Most time I’m a calm person. I have manners and take other into account. When you get to know me, you can see I can be silly too. I just hate being the one who has to take the initiative. In school, I had to start a conversation to get to know people. Never the other way around. I got the idea they didn’t want to be my friend. Even now in adult education. They say you should network with your classmates but they didn’t even ask if they could keep in touch. I guess I wasn’t that interesting to them. Oh well, people come and go. I rather am forlorn than be with the wrong people. The same with relationships. I might be picky but at least I have standards. I always want someone I can’t have anyway. For some having someone in their life is really important but for me, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, there are so many other interesting things to think about then relationships. Freedom is so much more appealing so I stick with that for the time being.

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One riff at the time

quitar riffI take days as they come. In another word, one riff at a time. I don’t like to plan ahead because if I do, things won’t go the way I want it. I’ve had too many disappointments in my life.

If I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. How would I know what I do in 5 years? I might have plans for a few days at a time but not what I do in the long run. I like it that way because life is full of surprises. You never know where it will take you. I thought my mother would have been around for years but cancer took her away. That’s something you can’t plan. I lived day by day even more after that.

When I started this blog, I didn’t think it would interest people. Maybe a few but I never thought I would get over 400 followers. That might not sound a lot a lot but for me, it’s a great achievement. It’s taken at least 4 years getting here but better late than never. This not blog doesn’t have fashion, food or any other subjects out there. That was the whole point of starting this. Being different. Blogging doesn’t need to be something you make money from. It can also be a hobby. So if I had planned how this blog would be, it would have ended in tears. But since I didn’t have high expectations or any goals, I haven’t had the need to be disappointed. I’ve taken one riff at a time. From one post to another and will continue so.

I can always wish what could happen but that only makes me sad inside. Too many times I’ve dreamed about things but they’ll never be a reality. It’s dreams that are impossible to fulfil. I’ll never meet people I want to meet. I’ll never get a chance to experience what I want to experience. But these things come and go. Some things are not meant to be and that’s OK. Fantasy and reality are two different things. You have to take what is given and make the best out of it. I take one riff at the time. If people want to plan their life on year bases, I let them. It just isn’t for me. I like to be surprised. I wish they would be something positive for a change.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Too many things too much to know

mystic forest
Post title from New Religion by Duran Duran

So many things so little time. Some things are not meant for the public eye. On social media, you can choose what you want to tell about yourself. The same with celebrities. You do have a choice. There are those celebrities that don’t talk about their private lives in public. They don’t have to tell anything if they don’t want to. Just because they’re in the public eyes, people don’t need to know everything about them. If you want to make a big number of yourself to get respect, then that’s your choice. But don’t complain about paparazzi and other media. If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the public eye. I wouldn’t care less about celebrities personal lives. Who they’re dating and so on. That’s not my life. It won’t change anything. I’m not gonna lose sleep over something that is no concern of mine. I do have a life of my own. That’s an advice for gossip hungry people.

I’m glad I’m not famous. I would be a really bad one. I don’t even like people on the street looking at me. I prefer being cloaked. I want to keep private things private. That’s the reason I never write about personal things. I only blog about my thoughts about different subjects. I don’t even post photos of myself. Except for the one on the profiles. Besides, I’m not very photogenic but that’s not the reason. I want some anonymously. Some things are no concern of others. It doesn’t mean I have something to hide. Some people are too curious. They want to know who you’re dating. When you take a shower. Maybe not that though. I could have changed my blog to something else to get more followers and readers. But I didn’t. I’ve kept the same policy I’ve always had and it won’t change.