My worst critic is me

water drops

Have you ever thought you can’t do something no matter how hard you try? When things don’t go the way you plan it, you give up. No? Then it’s just me then. I’m my worst critic. My mother used to say I can do it but I’m haven’t been that confident. I know I can do things if I put my mind to it but I’m too critical of myself. Maybe I’m a bit of a perfectionist. You don’t see that in my daily life though. My flat is a mess. It’s more in my mind. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect. Except for paintings on the wall. A crooked picture is really disturbing.

Sometimes when I write fan fiction I feel satisfied with my work. But other people don’t give any criticism so I don’t know how to get better. I get likes and all that but I never get any real feedback. Not even any reactions. If I read my stories as another person, I would have a lot to say about the stories. People never think the same I do. I shouldn’t compare myself with other fan fiction writers but they seem to get more comments than I do. I wouldn’t even say they’re better at it. It depends on what you write about and who. I still will write and post my stories despite that. When I read my old stories, I do see I’ve got better. That’s what matters the most, that you see it yourself. Other people don’t need to tell me. Writing is probably the only thing I’m not critical of myself.

The same goes with photography. I hardly get any deep analysis online. A like or two but hardly any comments. Am I suppose to notice it myself if I got better? It makes me think if my photography is even any good or are they the same as any other. I should be satisfied with what I think about my skills and not about what other think. Once I got feedback but the person wasn’t even an expert on photography. They said they could have taken a photo like that. But it does take out the excitement out of photography when you hear a negative comment like that. I wanted to become a pro but now my thoughts have changed so I’m less critical of myself in that field. I’m torturing myself sometimes that I can’t get the photo I want. I’m the worst critic and I’m never satisfied with the outcome. If someone likes a photo, it’s only then I’m happy.

Once you get that “I can’t do it” you start to think you can’t. How would you know if you don’t try it? What I’ve learned through the years is when you fail, you try again. If that doesn’t work, try something else. Being critical of yourself helps you trying harder to get better at what you do. You’re never ready and learning new things keeps life interesting.

Tallenna

Tallenna

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10 years anniversary

anniversary

Even if this blog has existed since 2013. My time on WordPress is 10 years. The same as in Facebook. It’s such a long time, it always feels less than that. Blogging is an amble and it doesn’t succeed over night. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought of deleting my blog. It has been a bumpy ride. My first blog was called ‘Not one of the gals’ It was supposed to be about F1 but like my ideas mostly end up, it didn’t go very well. I also didn’t have the motivation to continue with it. At the time I was still looking for my niche and blogging, in general, was new to me. I’ve learned a lot since I started and that’s the main thing. It’s part of learning new things.

Even these days I have thoughts about not continuing posting on my blog. But why should I stop if I really like writing in it? Like I’ve written before, this is like therapy. I can’t please everybody about the subject I write about. I’ve learned to appreciate what I get and what I have. This blog will never be in any special category and it won’t become a blog that gets 1000+ followers. I like small groups anyway. People that do have a lot of followers, usually don’t get personal with you. They might not even read your blog. No one has that much time to read every follower’s blog they follow. I don’t really know why some have the policy, if you follow me, I follow you. Blogging is not about how many thousands of followers you have, it’s about the quality you write. Especially young people think they get respect by having a lot of followers. It’s like going to the store and buy the cheapest item you can find. If you sell yourself cheap, you get cheap in return.

I’ve never really had a goal about this blog. All I wanted was to write my thoughts down and share them with others. I didn’t want to have a blog that is like any other. There’s a lot of fashion, food or lifestyle blogs but I wanted to be different. It has taken a few years to get where this blog has gone. When I started, I did get disappointed I didn’t get enough of traffic and stats were important. Now I’m glad to get at least something. Some people get their blogs out there faster than others. But like in real life, you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. It’s easy to lose motivation if you think no one is reading your blog. But there’s always someone. That’s what I’ve learned from blogging. I’m not good at giving advice but I tell you this.

If you’re new to blogging, don’t give up. Good things come for those who wait. You will get your blog out there one day. Just keep writing and learn new things. If I had given up blogging 10 years ago, I wouldn’t be here writing this. I’ve got a lot of encouragement from other bloggers and that gives me the motivation to continue blogging. Thank you for your time and thank you for being you. Let’s get another 10 years.

My life is a maze

black and white stairs

Some people know exactly what they want and they do anything to reach their goal. But my life has always been a maze. I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. I had ideas but they disappeared and my interest changed. I’ve gone through life as a person who doesn’t really know what they want. I’ve never had the courage to take the bull by its horns. I was also afraid to get stuck with one occupation for the rest of my life. When you’re young, you think your choices will be permanent but that’s not the case. It’s never too late to start something new. I wish I thought about it when I was a teenager. I should have been more active and taken more chances. I was too stubborn and now I have to pay the price.

You can’t change the past and you have to accept the way things are. All you can do is look forward. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one on earth who has more education than work experience. People in 30 something, has come much further in life than I have. My life is a maze and I don’t compare myself to others. I have to play with the cards I have. I’m too modest and don’t trust my skills. I need someone to convince me, I’m good enough. There’s always someone better than you but that shouldn’t stop you from getting better. I should really practise what I preach. It’s easy to say things than doing them. I want to do something creative but I wouldn’t call myself a designer. That word doesn’t sound like me. It’s a maze to know what a designer mean. We all have different opinions on the matter. One thing that I do know is, I don’t want to be a student again. I want a job where I can learn. I know the basics and it’s time to put them to good use. Employers don’t look at your education, they look at your work experience. At the moment my resume looks empty in that area.

It’s only one week left of my web design education. The hardest part is the vocational skills demonstration we must have on Wednesday in front of the evaluators. We’re presenting our portfolio and client work. What I hate the most is keeping a presentation. We practised it and it didn’t go very well. I’m worried I say something wrong or don’t know how to answer. No matter how I prepare, things go the wrong way. If I fail the test, I won’t get the further vocational qualification certificate. I can do the test again but then I have to pay the full amount myself and it isn’t cheap. Luckily I can still be a web designer if I don’t get it but a certificate could help a bit. I still don’t know if I get a job if I had it or not. There are a few jobs I could apply to but they require skills I don’t have. I can still do it but my chances are thin and they probably gonna find someone with more experience and with better skills. The jobs are more of graphic design but web design is in it too. They’re in another city too so that can be a problem.

The employers are not exactly queuing behind me. I could try it alone but there’s so much to do before it pays off. I hardly get any responses in social media when I post there so how can I get myself out there. Being self-employed you need to be someone who works hard and doesn’t give up. You have to do every job alone and think about how much to charge. Then all the different taxes you need to think about. My father has an own business so I’ve seen how it works and it isn’t easy. I just don’t have that guts in me. I know I should get out of my comfort zone but the uncertainty of going alone is too high. Thinking is easy but to take that first step, that’s the hardest part. If I can’t find a job in someone else’s company, then maybe starting something on my own is a better option. That’s better than being unemployed and having to handle with the job centre. Earning your own money is more satisfying than living on welfare. I don’t want to be rich, I only want to have enough to get by. But mostly I want to get out of this maze. I’ve circled around it and searched for the entrance for years. It would be time for getting out of the circle.

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna