My life is a maze

black and white stairs

Some people know exactly what they want and they do anything to reach their goal. But my life has always been a maze. I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. I had ideas but they disappeared and my interest changed. I’ve gone through life as a person who doesn’t really know what they want. I’ve never had the courage to take the bull by its horns. I was also afraid to get stuck with one occupation for the rest of my life. When you’re young, you think your choices will be permanent but that’s not the case. It’s never too late to start something new. I wish I thought about it when I was a teenager. I should have been more active and taken more chances. I was too stubborn and now I have to pay the price.

You can’t change the past and you have to accept the way things are. All you can do is look forward. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one on earth who has more education than work experience. People in 30 something, has come much further in life than I have. My life is a maze and I don’t compare myself to others. I have to play with the cards I have. I’m too modest and don’t trust my skills. I need someone to convince me, I’m good enough. There’s always someone better than you but that shouldn’t stop you from getting better. I should really practise what I preach. It’s easy to say things than doing them. I want to do something creative but I wouldn’t call myself a designer. That word doesn’t sound like me. It’s a maze to know what a designer mean. We all have different opinions on the matter. One thing that I do know is, I don’t want to be a student again. I want a job where I can learn. I know the basics and it’s time to put them to good use. Employers don’t look at your education, they look at your work experience. At the moment my resume looks empty in that area.

It’s only one week left of my web design education. The hardest part is the vocational skills demonstration we must have on Wednesday in front of the evaluators. We’re presenting our portfolio and client work. What I hate the most is keeping a presentation. We practised it and it didn’t go very well. I’m worried I say something wrong or don’t know how to answer. No matter how I prepare, things go the wrong way. If I fail the test, I won’t get the further vocational qualification certificate. I can do the test again but then I have to pay the full amount myself and it isn’t cheap. Luckily I can still be a web designer if I don’t get it but a certificate could help a bit. I still don’t know if I get a job if I had it or not. There are a few jobs I could apply to but they require skills I don’t have. I can still do it but my chances are thin and they probably gonna find someone with more experience and with better skills. The jobs are more of graphic design but web design is in it too. They’re in another city too so that can be a problem.

The employers are not exactly queuing behind me. I could try it alone but there’s so much to do before it pays off. I hardly get any responses in social media when I post there so how can I get myself out there. Being self-employed you need to be someone who works hard and doesn’t give up. You have to do every job alone and think about how much to charge. Then all the different taxes you need to think about. My father has an own business so I’ve seen how it works and it isn’t easy. I just don’t have that guts in me. I know I should get out of my comfort zone but the uncertainty of going alone is too high. Thinking is easy but to take that first step, that’s the hardest part. If I can’t find a job in someone else’s company, then maybe starting something on my own is a better option. That’s better than being unemployed and having to handle with the job centre. Earning your own money is more satisfying than living on welfare. I don’t want to be rich, I only want to have enough to get by. But mostly I want to get out of this maze. I’ve circled around it and searched for the entrance for years. It would be time for getting out of the circle.

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Give me at least one tiny chance

tiny statueIt seems I never get even tiny chances in anything. If it’s a chance to get someone to like you romantically or getting an internship in a company. The latter is the most important thing. I don’t seem to get any foot between any door. No matter how many times I send applications or ask through email, I never get any replies. We are supposed to find a client or an internship in a company in our web design education which begins November 14 and is to December 11, 2016. I have no luck to find anything. Even social media hasn’t helped. I’m probably the only one in my class without anything. Maybe web design is just not my thing after all. I don’t even think I could make any sites without help. I already struggle with it. If I can’t make one to myself, how can I make for someone else? That’s the reason why I would prefer a company where they make web sites. It seems I never even have a tiny chance. It’s hard to keep up the motivation when I feel like I can’t do anything.

These are times I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why doesn’t anyone give me a tiny chance in anything? Am I too ugly to get hired? I have studied different things but it’s not appreciated enough it seems. Maybe I’m just not good at explaining things. I’ve been on job search courses but those were no help. It doesn’t matter what kind of advice you get, they won’t work. If they work, it happens to other people. Luck doesn’t seem to find me. I have skills but only I seem to know that. It’s not my fault I’m being overlooked. A lot of other people are too so I’m not alone with this problem. I’m old enough and confident enough to know it’s not me, it’s them. The only fight I’m gonna have is with myself.

Tiny things won’t let me down. I’ve learned to enjoy the small things in life. I love walking through fallen leaves. I love the rain. I don’t care if it’s dark outside. I put my rubber boots on and take my umbrella to take a walk. I jump in the puddles like little kids do. In the winter if there’s snow I take long walks. I don’t mind the cold. That’s what warm clothes are for. I take some snow and try to make a ball. I throw it away and maybe I hit a tree. That’s what life is for. Why do adults stop doing these things? You’re never too old. It’s only stuck up people who thinks so and there’s a lot of those people.
I love writing fan fiction. I won’t stop just because someone doesn’t like them. I’m not the best writer out there but that’s not the reason I do it. I write them because it gives me a chance to escape the world for a while. Sometimes I’m so into them, I forget the time. I hate to stop when the words are flowing. When inspiration struck, you don’t want to stop or you have to catch the train of thought again.

Always do what you love the most. That’s how I go by. Tiny stuff but big thoughts. Life would be empty without them.