Stuck in a rut. Going nowhere. Stand still. Going around in circles. You name it. My life is a circle. Nothing really exciting happens and when it does, it always ends. It’s not like I want to have excitement in my life. But it would be nice to have something. Especially earning my own money. I haven’t found a job and it’s already October (tomorrow) I sleep late and when I wake up, half the day is gone. I do work better in the evening but then I’m lazy and rather watch something online instead. It’s useless to wake up early in the morning when I don’t have a reason to. I also go to bed late. Sometimes I’m still up at 4 am. I sleep really well but it’s going to bed early which is the problem.
Thinking about what I did this year, I had a few highlights. I graduated to be a web designer, went to my first ever live concert (Robbie Williams) and holiday in Stockholm. But that’s as far as excitement goes. After that, I’ve been back in the same circle again. It seems I can’t get anything started. Job search is a pain. There’s nothing in my city that I could even consider applying for. I don’t want to move to another city. I’m such a coward to start something on my own. I dislike the whole job search process. All the applications, cover letter, resume etc. Not forgetting the possible interview you might get. Trying to impress the employer is not easy. It would be better to have a client you work for where your skills that matter the most. I’m very indecisive about what I want to do right now job wise and it seems I can’t decide until next year. I just hope I won’t forget what I learned in the web design education. Of course, there are still months to go so you never know what could happen.
I found a way out of the circle when I began to study but now I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to study all my life in a school. It’s frustrating to study all these things and not getting anywhere. I haven’t awestruck anyone with my skills. At least not careerwise. I’ll never be lucky enough to be “discovered” and experience amazing things. All I really want is to get away from this circle I live in, at least for a while. I don’t need much to be happy. As long as I have my health, a roof over my head and enough money to get by.
I’ve been told I’m too tentative, sensitive to things. In a way it is true. I’m very careful who I open up to. As I’ve got older, my trust in other people has decreased. There are things in life I haven’t achieved because I’ve been too careful. In some things, it’s good to be. I haven’t got myself into trouble. I haven’t spent my time with the wrong people. In my teens, I spent my time at home. I had friends but it was when I was younger. I have never had the urge to experiment. I have never tried smoking or got drunk. Hell, I’m a goody two shoes and I’m not ashamed of it. A smart person doesn’t need to be like everyone else. I have not found a point in trying things. I haven’t missed anything. Some think you haven’t lived if you haven’t experienced certain things. Best time to live is seeing other people making mistakes so you don’t repeat them. I don’t need to act crazy to live a life.
Sometimes I think how boring my life has been. But when I start to think what I’ve been through, I’ve actually had enough of drama. There are things you only realise after you had a long thought about it. I don’t really want more excitement in my life. I’ve been through things most people haven’t. Too much excitement makes me anxious. In small doses it’s fine. Being too tentative can have its disadvantage. You don’t get things other people might get. If I had a job where I could get a raise or a promotion, I would be the last in line. I don’t have enough courage to put myself out there. I’m always doubting what could go wrong or I won’t get my point across. Instead of even trying to do things, I rather skip it altogether. That’s been one of my flaws and I’ve worked on that all of my adult life.
No one is perfect and you have to know it yourself. If you’re too confident of yourself, you think you’re above everyone else. It’s easier to get enemies that way. You shouldn’t be too doubtful about yourself either. Too much of anything is too much. Being tentative shouldn’t be a bad thing. It’s better to be safe than rush into things without thinking about the consequences.