Transforming to a failure

failure
Made in Canva

I could write this on my web design haven blog but I’m really upset and disappointed right now. This web design education is going really bad. We are supposed to make a website about an imaginative travelling agency and it should be ready next Monday. But I can’t even do the basics. It should be in HTML5 and there you use different kind of codes. We make them in Dreamweaver. This week we’re studying at home so there’s no help from the teacher. No matter what code I put, nothing works. I haven’t learned anything and it’s already been two months. Maybe I’m just stupid. I already hate making websites. I shouldn’t hate it but when things never go the way I want to. I’m already thinking of quitting school since I never learn. I don’t even learn from the papers we got from the teacher. If I can’t make a site for myself, how will I know how to make one for a client? This on-job-learning is coming too soon. There will be one next year and it’s more than a month. The way things are going now with the studying, it looks unlikely I managed to get anywhere by then. I really don’t want to quit but this is getting on my nerves. I haven’t studied much and it’s already Tuesday. I never get this assignment finished and I’m close to give up on it.

Some transformation there. I thought web design could become a new thing for me but obviously not. I hate practising because it’s so frustrating. I’ve never become anything. I can use the internet and I can write but that doesn’t pay your bills. The photography thing didn’t work out either. By patience is running out. I feel totally useless. When things are difficult I just lose interest. If web design would be moving things with your mouse like you do in WordPress blog platform, then I could do it. But you need to know coding and that’s what I can’t do. No matter what the teacher say, I’ll never learn. I only get angry and frustrated at myself for being so slow in learning. Studying shouldn’t be so hard. You need to have motivation and patience which I lack off. It would be so much easier if I had a job where you don’t need a creative mind. But I never wanted an ordinary job. Practising should be enjoyable and not something you hate doing. Practice makes perfect but if it doesn’t motivate you, how can you go on?

If someone asked me what’s my occupation is, I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m nothing is not something to be proud of. I’m not a photographer and not a web designer. Definitely not the latter. It’s looks good on paper but you actually should know what to do. Writing resumes is a pain because you’re not really anything besides a lazy person. Lazy in the sense of wanting the easy way out. I don’t want the easiest way but I don’t want to struggle either. I want to be something but it shouldn’t be this hard. I can’t imagine people who have ambitions because I’ve never had any. I can’t come out of my comfort zone no matter how much people encourage me. There’s always gonna be a doubt in my mind that I can’t do things. Even if deep inside I know I can. I guess that’s the Gemini in me, two people in one. Right now those people can’t get along. We all have a dark side but mine is more of a battle between my mind and my heart. There’s only one solution and that’s compromise. Like with different people, we all have to get along.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

“What a bunch of A-holes”

Ever felt that whatever you do or say, you get no response? You work hard but you get no encouragement or a pat on the back. You feel everything you do gets ignored. You just don’t want to waste your time doing anything. It makes you want to yell “What a bunch of A-holes” you are, in their faces. Scream at the top of your lungs like there’s no tomorrow.

That’s what I feel about blogging and writing in general sometimes. I can write whatever but still it feels useless. Maybe I’m not that good. It’s difficult to get better when you never get feedback. What I hate most is asking for it. Can’t people think by themselves? Do I have to ask separately every time? I understand the common reader doesn’t have the ability to analyse things. But I’m not expecting that anyway. My blog is probably not interesting enough. People seem to care more about personal lives or world issues. But I’m not gonna go down that road. I did give out some personal issues but those were important. But I won’t make a habit of it. Even if I ask questions or ask feedback, I never get any anyway.

What frustrates me even more than this blog writing, is fiction writing. I’ve had a few online (about Formula One drivers mainly) I got likes and some comments but I never got any feedback that could improve my writing. That’s one of the reasons I stopped posting them. It felt all that hard work went to waste. I put my heart and soul in them. Then I got nothing in return. I didn’t even bother writing new ones. My fiction enthusiasm disappeared. I just didn’t bother because I felt no one would read them anyway.

I wrote that 6 month ago. And it’s happening again. In both blogging and a fan fiction I wrote. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I know I should write even if no one would read them (some do though) but it just gets annoying sometimes. I’m sure most writers do get frustrated but they still seem to keep on writing. Me on the other hand don’t. I just stop because I feel like I’m wasting my time. I rather do something else than write. If I do write, I just keep it to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t post online at all. Fiction nor blogging. No caring, no sharing. People just don’t deserve reading anything I write. Or maybe I’m just too demanding. Internet is a big place so its obvious writings gets lost in the internet space. Whether its Facebook or Twitter.

Promoting your stuff online is a pain in the neck. It takes time, they say. But how long does it take? I’m not that patient. I’ve had this blog over a year ( or maybe it’s 2) and still it feels like I’m writing to myself. Well I am but I also want to share. What’s the point of having a blog otherwise?

I’ve come to the conclusion that if people don’t find or read my blogs, it’s their loss. I’m pleased about what I write and I will continue no matter what. With or without anybodies help.

(Visit my Fan Fiction Haven)