Restart all over again

ctrl alt del pillowsI don’t know how many times I had to restart things through my life. I don’t seem to get anything done. Most people already have so much more than me. I’m still in the same place I was when I was a teen. I live on the same street. I still spend my time on my childhood home. The only difference is that I’m older. I guess I’m just loyal. Mentally I’m a different person. I’ve been through life a different way than others. I experience death since I was 6 so my life has never been normal. Despite downfalls, I have got this far. Bad experiences have taught me to look at life in a different way. I’ve accepted things and then moved on.

What I had to restart the most are career choices. I’ve found something that has interested me but then I’ve changed my mind. It’s neither for me or the way to success is too long. The problem in finding a job in this country is, there are jobs in occupations I’m not interested in. I don’t want to restart anything occupation related again. Life is too short to have a job you don’t like. Too many stays because it pays the bills. It’s alright if it’s temporary but you shouldn’t set in your ways. I rather have a job I like and feel comfortable with. That’s why I always wanted to do something creative. But so does a lot of other people which is a bummer. I read an article the local newspaper where it said women and older people feel the most discriminated in a workplace. I already feel discriminated by not getting a second look by employers. I don’t really know if I should bother at all. Working for someone else that is. Some people are so demanding. They want you to do be something you’re not and they expect you to be perfect. They want you to dance to their tune. Then, of course, there are the other employees you have to work with. I would rather work alone then trying to fit into the company’s standards.

So I wouldn’t be completely out of doing nothing. I applied to a labour market training program for people who are thinking about entrepreneurship. I got in after applying to a few others. It’s mostly self-studying but there are at 5 meetings with the group. I could get information about having your own company online but I learn better if someone tells me about it. In a way, it’s another restart for me. I really hope all that studying will pay off because I don’t see I find a job soon. It’s not an easy road to have your own business but if I don’t try to take a chance, I’ll probably regret it. I really should be braver to do things but it’s not easy for me. I really don’t mind restarting things as long as I don’t need to do it over and over again.

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Leaves you answered with a question mark

question marksThe world is full of questions. It doesn’t matter what age you are, it always makes you bewildered. Some questions bring more questions. Some questions can’t be answered since there are different opinions. Some things no one has found the right answer to (e.g. cure for a disease) A question that everyone goes through in their child or adulthood, what to be when you grow up.

That’s something that bewildered me. Some people might find it irritating that I can’t decide. Just do something, they could say. But I don’t want to do just about anything. I’m picky and I don’t like to take risks. Maybe I’m afraid of failure. In a way, I am a perfectionist when it comes to decisions. Even if I did get support from my parents and I wasn’t forced to become something I didn’t want to. I knew what I didn’t want to be. That’s the easiest part. It’s quite rare for me to get excited about something. I might get interested in one thing and the next something totally different. That’s one of the reasons why my resume has a lot of different educations. You would think I could find a job easier because I’ve been through so much. But this is not a perfect world. Here, only job experiences matter. I don’t have a lot of those either. Some ask themselves why they can’t find the one. My question is, why can’t I find the job.

When I was a child I wanted to become a baker because I loved to bake. But then I realised you have to get up early in the morning and baking is not as fun as I thought. Especially when you have to clean everything afterwards. You romanticize occupations you see people do and when you find more about it, it’s not as interesting as you thought. I’m glad I’ve at least had some taste of different jobs through education. I wanted to become a journalist at one point because I wanted to meet celebrities. Then when I studied, I realised how difficult it is. There you need to know how to listen and write at the same time which I can’t do. I didn’t like to write that much either. An author was also one occupation I thought about but then you don’t get paid much for it unless you write a best-seller. At least not in Finland. I’m not that good either that I could make a living from it. Besides, I would probably get bored.

My problem has always been not being focused enough. My interests are so wide-ranged it’s difficult for me to stay at one or two subjects at a time. I’m both an introvert and a Gemini, both get bored easily. I also need my relaxing time. I don’t want my life to be surrounded by work. Unless it’s a job I really love doing. I keep changing my mind when I can’t find a job or I’m uncertain of what I can do. Even this web designer thing is giving me negative thoughts. I’ve found something I want to do but the way things are going, I don’t know if it’s really for me anyway. I know I shouldn’t give up. I should keep looking no matter what that voice keep saying. There are always solutions to most questions. The Internet is heaven for finding answers. It makes you feel less alone with your problems. Today, for example, I had a problem getting to the Admin part of my blog and I found the solution online. Without that this blog post wouldn’t have become reality. So some questions can be answered and you don’t need to be bewildered.

Enough of study, get me a job

study word crossedYou keep hearing and reading how important it is to study. Up to a point, it is but it doesn’t guarantee anything. In Finland, there’s a lot of different ways to study but in some occupations, there are too many educated people. Some people even have studied 3 different qualifications and still, it hasn’t helped to find a job. You study because you want a job. Education is too overrated. Where you learn best is in a job. There are things that aren’t learned in school. All the efforts of studying are wasted if you can’t find a job.

I’ve written about my former studies before in this blog. To make it short to those who are new here. I’ve studied screenplay writing, journalism,  photography, graphic design and web design. I’ve studied a lot because I haven’t found the occupation that I feel comfortable with. Call me picky but I have my standards. I’ve never been driven my money. I want to do a job I like and not because it pays well. Photography was the main thing, so being a pro was in my mind for a long time. But after I studied it in Helsinki Design School, I realised I didn’t want to do it after all. I wanted more than that. I don’t know what happened to the people who studied in the same course as me. In a way, it was a disappointing education. I think most of the students there haven’t got a job because they went to that school. It’s not as highly regarded as the school themselves think. Yes, you have these pros as teachers but finding a job has a lot to do with luck.

Luck hasn’t found me when it comes to job search. You would think a healthy and skilled person would have no problems finding a job but that’s not the case. You can study all your life to become something but there must be a limit somewhere. Honestly, I’m up to here with studying. I’m not so keen to study somewhere because I know it won’t help. The latest one was web design and I thought that would open some doors but it hasn’t happened yet. I also don’t want to go to these job search courses. I’ve already been to a few. Besides, there is a lot of tips online so I don’t need courses. The problem lays where to find a suitable job. They say you should apply for any job but I can’t do that. Everybody wants to have a job in the field they’ve studied. Some people can do any job but if you got allergies, for example, your options are limited. I don’t want to study something new again. I’ve already started from the beginning several times and rather not do it again. I’m getting too old for this shit (Lethal Weapon) is becoming real each year.