The world is full of questions. It doesn’t matter what age you are, it always makes you bewildered. Some questions bring more questions. Some questions can’t be answered since there are different opinions. Some things no one has found the right answer to (e.g. cure for a disease) A question that everyone goes through in their child or adulthood, what to be when you grow up.
That’s something that bewildered me. Some people might find it irritating that I can’t decide. Just do something, they could say. But I don’t want to do just about anything. I’m picky and I don’t like to take risks. Maybe I’m afraid of failure. In a way, I am a perfectionist when it comes to decisions. Even if I did get support from my parents and I wasn’t forced to become something I didn’t want to. I knew what I didn’t want to be. That’s the easiest part. It’s quite rare for me to get excited about something. I might get interested in one thing and the next something totally different. That’s one of the reasons why my resume has a lot of different educations. You would think I could find a job easier because I’ve been through so much. But this is not a perfect world. Here, only job experiences matter. I don’t have a lot of those either. Some ask themselves why they can’t find the one. My question is, why can’t I find the job.
When I was a child I wanted to become a baker because I loved to bake. But then I realised you have to get up early in the morning and baking is not as fun as I thought. Especially when you have to clean everything afterwards. You romanticize occupations you see people do and when you find more about it, it’s not as interesting as you thought. I’m glad I’ve at least had some taste of different jobs through education. I wanted to become a journalist at one point because I wanted to meet celebrities. Then when I studied, I realised how difficult it is. There you need to know how to listen and write at the same time which I can’t do. I didn’t like to write that much either. An author was also one occupation I thought about but then you don’t get paid much for it unless you write a best-seller. At least not in Finland. I’m not that good either that I could make a living from it. Besides, I would probably get bored.
My problem has always been not being focused enough. My interests are so wide-ranged it’s difficult for me to stay at one or two subjects at a time. I’m both an introvert and a Gemini, both get bored easily. I also need my relaxing time. I don’t want my life to be surrounded by work. Unless it’s a job I really love doing. I keep changing my mind when I can’t find a job or I’m uncertain of what I can do. Even this web designer thing is giving me negative thoughts. I’ve found something I want to do but the way things are going, I don’t know if it’s really for me anyway. I know I shouldn’t give up. I should keep looking no matter what that voice keep saying. There are always solutions to most questions. The Internet is heaven for finding answers. It makes you feel less alone with your problems. Today, for example, I had a problem getting to the Admin part of my blog and I found the solution online. Without that this blog post wouldn’t have become reality. So some questions can be answered and you don’t need to be bewildered.
You keep hearing and reading how important it is to study. Up to a point, it is but it doesn’t guarantee anything. In Finland, there’s a lot of different ways to study but in some occupations, there are too many educated people. Some people even have studied 3 different qualifications and still, it hasn’t helped to find a job. You study because you want a job. Education is too overrated. Where you learn best is in a job. There are things that aren’t learned in school. All the efforts of studying are wasted if you can’t find a job.
I’ve written about my former studies before in this blog. To make it short to those who are new here. I’ve studied screenplay writing, journalism, photography, graphic design and web design. I’ve studied a lot because I haven’t found the occupation that I feel comfortable with. Call me picky but I have my standards. I’ve never been driven my money. I want to do a job I like and not because it pays well. Photography was the main thing, so being a pro was in my mind for a long time. But after I studied it in Helsinki Design School, I realised I didn’t want to do it after all. I wanted more than that. I don’t know what happened to the people who studied in the same course as me. In a way, it was a disappointing education. I think most of the students there haven’t got a job because they went to that school. It’s not as highly regarded as the school themselves think. Yes, you have these pros as teachers but finding a job has a lot to do with luck.
Luck hasn’t found me when it comes to job search. You would think a healthy and skilled person would have no problems finding a job but that’s not the case. You can study all your life to become something but there must be a limit somewhere. Honestly, I’m up to here with studying. I’m not so keen to study somewhere because I know it won’t help. The latest one was web design and I thought that would open some doors but it hasn’t happened yet. I also don’t want to go to these job search courses. I’ve already been to a few. Besides, there is a lot of tips online so I don’t need courses. The problem lays where to find a suitable job. They say you should apply for any job but I can’t do that. Everybody wants to have a job in the field they’ve studied. Some people can do any job but if you got allergies, for example, your options are limited. I don’t want to study something new again. I’ve already started from the beginning several times and rather not do it again. I’m getting too old for this shit (Lethal Weapon) is becoming real each year.
You might know the saying, ‘When one gate closes, another opens’ I’ve had a lot of those but unfortunately none of them has been the right one. If it’s about what schools I’ve attended, places I’ve been to or the people I’ve met. I’ve learned through life that it doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past. All you can do is look forward. At least to the near future. People I’ve met when I was a kid doesn’t matter anymore. That’s why it’s called the past. I don’t want to keep in touch with people who didn’t appreciate me and I don’t care what they do today. They’re irrelevant.
If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t want to go back. It would have been nice to keep my mother alive though. But you can’t change the past. Maybe I’ve said this before in some post but if I hadn’t been through what I have, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Things you go through in life are a lesson you learn and you do things a different way. There are mistakes I’ve done several times just to make sure and I’ll continue to do them. It’s a mistake I make every time I meet new people. Maybe they’re not mistakes but a part of my personality. First I decide to be brave but when the time comes, I get back to my shell. I just don’t feel secure enough around people I don’t know. I’m not an open book but still, people notice I’m an introvert. In their eyes, it’s shyness since the word introvert is not a familiar word. I shouldn’t need to explain myself to others. It’s their problem if they don’t want to approach me because I’m reserved.
The most difficult gate to open is finding a job. You would think someone with different skills would get a job easier but it’s not. The older you get, the worse it becomes. A real job with real pay and not an internship where the employer gets cheap labour force. I can’t seem to get my foot in the door of any company. What’s the point of having a couple of degrees when you can’t impress anyone who could hire you? I do admit I’m a bit lazy to send out applications but when you can’t find anything suitable to apply for, then I can’t find the point of applying to just anything. I’ve applied to two companies who do web design but no luck. I’ve had problems of finding my niche in careers and when I finally find one, it’s not good enough. Maybe it would be better to start working for myself instead of working for someone else. It’s getting more tempting as the autumn gets closer. I did enjoy the time when I worked for a client on the job learning. Having a choice when to work was freedom. I’ve always wanted to work on the internet so maybe web design is the answer to my wishes.
I’m actually bored with trying to find the right gate of life. My sin is laziness. I lack ambition and I’m always been afraid of taking risks. There are things in life that I will miss having to experience but I’ve settled with my destiny. Even there’s still time, the fact is I’m not getting any younger. If they made a movie of my life, it would be the most boring movie ever made. On my tombstone, it would probably say, ‘She lived’ and that’s it. The harsh truth is some gates will be unopened and that’s something you just have to accept.