My life is a maze

black and white stairs

Some people know exactly what they want and they do anything to reach their goal. But my life has always been a maze. I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. I had ideas but they disappeared and my interest changed. I’ve gone through life as a person who doesn’t really know what they want. I’ve never had the courage to take the bull by its horns. I was also afraid to get stuck with one occupation for the rest of my life. When you’re young, you think your choices will be permanent but that’s not the case. It’s never too late to start something new. I wish I thought about it when I was a teenager. I should have been more active and taken more chances. I was too stubborn and now I have to pay the price.

You can’t change the past and you have to accept the way things are. All you can do is look forward. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one on earth who has more education than work experience. People in 30 something, has come much further in life than I have. My life is a maze and I don’t compare myself to others. I have to play with the cards I have. I’m too modest and don’t trust my skills. I need someone to convince me, I’m good enough. There’s always someone better than you but that shouldn’t stop you from getting better. I should really practise what I preach. It’s easy to say things than doing them. I want to do something creative but I wouldn’t call myself a designer. That word doesn’t sound like me. It’s a maze to know what a designer mean. We all have different opinions on the matter. One thing that I do know is, I don’t want to be a student again. I want a job where I can learn. I know the basics and it’s time to put them to good use. Employers don’t look at your education, they look at your work experience. At the moment my resume looks empty in that area.

It’s only one week left of my web design education. The hardest part is the vocational skills demonstration we must have on Wednesday in front of the evaluators. We’re presenting our portfolio and client work. What I hate the most is keeping a presentation. We practised it and it didn’t go very well. I’m worried I say something wrong or don’t know how to answer. No matter how I prepare, things go the wrong way. If I fail the test, I won’t get the further vocational qualification certificate. I can do the test again but then I have to pay the full amount myself and it isn’t cheap. Luckily I can still be a web designer if I don’t get it but a certificate could help a bit. I still don’t know if I get a job if I had it or not. There are a few jobs I could apply to but they require skills I don’t have. I can still do it but my chances are thin and they probably gonna find someone with more experience and with better skills. The jobs are more of graphic design but web design is in it too. They’re in another city too so that can be a problem.

The employers are not exactly queuing behind me. I could try it alone but there’s so much to do before it pays off. I hardly get any responses in social media when I post there so how can I get myself out there. Being self-employed you need to be someone who works hard and doesn’t give up. You have to do every job alone and think about how much to charge. Then all the different taxes you need to think about. My father has an own business so I’ve seen how it works and it isn’t easy. I just don’t have that guts in me. I know I should get out of my comfort zone but the uncertainty of going alone is too high. Thinking is easy but to take that first step, that’s the hardest part. If I can’t find a job in someone else’s company, then maybe starting something on my own is a better option. That’s better than being unemployed and having to handle with the job centre. Earning your own money is more satisfying than living on welfare. I don’t want to be rich, I only want to have enough to get by. But mostly I want to get out of this maze. I’ve circled around it and searched for the entrance for years. It would be time for getting out of the circle.

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Entering my territory

landscape

I always worry if I’m good enough to do a job. I’ve studied different things but I have never done any real jobs in those fields. I’ve studied script writing, graphic design, photography and now web design. I have different skills but I’ve uncertain if I’m good enough. I’m glad I haven’t studied to become a nurse because I would be afraid I might hurt somebody. I’m trustworthy and can keep a secret but when it comes to making a living, I don’t trust myself.

When it comes to doing nothing, I’m entering my territory. Actually, if you see me doing nothing, it means I still do. There’s never a quiet moment in my head. I keep thinking about different things. If I got a penny from every thought, I would be rich by now. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid for thinking. You can if you become a pro blogger but that means you have to do something. Thinking and writing things down, are different things. I’m too lazy to use my energy to think what to write about. Blogging as a hobby is much more satisfying since I write for myself and not for a client. Writing for a living would be too overwhelming for me.

It’s on the job learning period in the web design education and I keep thinking, I am doing the right things? Do I ask the right questions for a possible client? This is part of the education to be unsure but what happens when the school is over? Can I succeed as a web designer? What if I haven’t learned the right things and I only realise it much later? What I least want to happen is misleading a client. I wanted to become different things and I’m always doubting if I can do anything. Maybe this doubt is a curse or I just lack confidence. I know I can do things but I’m too afraid to make a mistake. It’s not the small ones but the big ones. In the design business, the competition is tough so I don’t know if I’m ambitious enough. That’s the same with photography and it makes me wonder why I chose creative subjects in the first place. Competition is definitely not my territory.

I would hate it if I had to start all over again. I don’t want to be a student all my life. I want to have a life that means something. If I had one wish it would be bravery. I want to stick to something for once and not searching in the darkness. Everybody should have at least one territory they excel in. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for but I hope I’ll find it soon.

 

 

Tallenna

Dreams sinken quicken

on the seaI should never have my hopes up. At first I had 3 possible clients and now only two. Story of my life. People need someone with more experience but how can you become better if no one gives you a chance? It *sinken quicken no matter what I wish for. Losing one client is not the end of the world though. If I lose one more, I’ll never graduate if I won’t get any client work. In a way I knew I would lose a client as soon as I showed my portfolio. At least there’s one worry less. Yet it bugs me. I’ll do it for free but people see it as a risk because I’m still a student. People always seems to want what everybody else does. There’s so many of these flashy sites, they all look the same. What happened to simple things? Maybe other dream of mine will be shattered once again. I might just have an early retirement before turning 40. A poor old woman with no work experience and no retirement fund. OK maybe I’m being a little too dramatic. But that’s how it feels sometimes.

If finding clients for a school project, how can find clients when I’m on my own? I don’t know what I’ll become after this education but working with people has been something I can see myself doing. It has been difficult with the coding and stuff but everybody has had the same problems in the beginning. I’ve disappointed so many times when it comes to jobs so I don’t dare to dream big dreams anymore. I thought photography would be my job but that dream has been dashed a few years ago. Everything seems to take years so soon I’m getting too old to start something new again. My mother will turn in her grave if I still haven’t got a job when I’m over 40. It gets harder the older you get, she always said to me and she was right. Especially with the age discrimination. You have to be 20 something and have a lot of experience. No one seems to want to hire someone who’s older with less work experience. In a creative job, it’s never too late to start. A lot of people older than me has begun a new career. Even if mine has never really started, this is a new career for me. I wish I could have got this idea much sooner but I was too busy trying to find a job in photography. If this fails, I don’t know what else to do. I have no more ideas what I want to be.

Getting ideas has never been my strongest suit. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t continue my studies in graphic design. The other thing was the lack of drawing skills even if you don’t need to be good at it. But the idea part has always been a nightmare to me. I’m better at doing what others want me to do. Even then I have to look at tutorials before I can do anything. It depends what kind of project I’m working on. In web design you need to get new ideas too so why do I keep finding all these creative things to study? I guess it’s my heritage. My dad is creative as well so that must be it. For me it just has taken a lot longer to realise what kind of job I want to do. I really hope this road I’m taking right now, won’t sinken quicken or else I’ll be hanging around doing nothing again. I really hope my unemployment days will be over for good.

*sink in German