Life is a carousel

carousel and blue sky

I never liked roller coasters. I went once in a small one and I hated it. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. It’s the speed that I don’t like. I’m a carousel person. I don’t want any drama and I don’t like conflict. I always try to be careful. I never broke a bone in my life. I’ve had fractures but never broken any. I slipped on ice once where I fractured my left hand. That’s the only time I’ve needed a plaster. I had to wear it for a month and it was hell. I couldn’t even brush my hair and not to forget when taking a shower. Since then I promised myself I would never hurt myself like that again. Every time I slip on something, I get cold chills but luckily nothing has been broken. I’ve hurt all of my limbs and sometimes it feels like I’m invalid. There are things I can’t do anymore that I could when I was younger. For example, I can’t crouch down or sit cross legged. Especially the latter. I sat like that in 1994 and I fractured my right knee so I had to go through an arthroscopic surgery. I had to walk with crutches for a month and then had to go to rehabilitation. There was so much fuss to go through that situation. Clothing yourself, brushing your hair and to move from one place to another. When I see athletes hurting their knees, I feel their pain. I can’t stand pain so I try to avoid it as much as I can. Last time I hurt myself badly was about 4 years ago when I slipped on dirt and my left leg got bent backwards. My leg hurt like hell but nothing was broken. My ankle doesn’t work properly though. I never went to the doctor to get it checked. I haven’t dared to put my skiing boots on so I haven’t slalom skid for years because of that.

I always think before speaking which had caused problems. I just think too much and then the situation is over. I could have done a lot of things if I hadn’t been so careful but there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t regret anything though. Things that have happened in my life has been out of my control. You can’t change people’s attitude against you. Seeing what other people have gone through in their relationships, I’m glad I haven’t had any of those problems. Some things I wish I could have experienced but that’s personal stuff so I won’t go into that. I’ve always done things what I feel at that moment. I’m not looking for a special adventure. Life itself is one but slower. I don’t know why you need to experience exciting things to feel you lived a life. You can live a quiet life and still be satisfied. I guess some feel more alive to “brag” about how great their life is. I feel alive when I listen to my favourite songs or favourite movies. I’m a homebody and when I’m alone I’m more relaxed.

I’ve always done things what I feel at that moment. I’m not looking for a special adventure. Life itself is one but slower. I don’t know why you need to experience exciting things to feel you lived a life. You can live a quiet life and still be satisfied. I guess some feel more alive to “brag” about how great their life is. I feel alive when I listen to my favourite songs or favourite movies. I’m a homebody and when I’m alone I’m more relaxed. I don’t need to go out to parties or drink myself senseless. That has never been me and never will. Sometimes it is nice to get out of you daily routines. Some years ago I never thought I would have the courage to see a live concert and this Thursday I’ll finally take that step. At the Robbie Williams concert, there will be at least 30 000 people so I hope it won’t become too overwhelming. I don’t suffer from anxiety so I’ll be just fine. It will be a roller coaster but it will feel like a giant carousel.

Tallenna

Partner in crime

two lionsEveryone seems to have that one person in life they feel most attached to. If it’s a partner in an intimate relationship or friendship. I’ve had my share of friendships and even a few so called flings. Online mostly. I wish I’ve had that partner in crime I could open up to. Tell them secrets no one else knows about. Doing things we both enjoy. I’ve never had that best friend I could confide in. But I’m a loner and I’m quite used to it. It’s one kind of freedom. I can do what I please and I don’t have to wait for another person if we’ve arranged a meeting. Not having that friend, does have its disadvantages though. Especially when going to the movies. It would be nice to have someone to discuss it with afterwards. There’s a lot of people online who has the same favourites as you but it’s not the same. It lacks the human touch. Friendships seem to walk past me.

I can hear someone suggesting I should find some organisation (or something like that) where I could meet other people. But the problem is, it’s not my cup of tea. Finns especially are hard to become friends with. I know since I’ve experienced it a lot of times. When I studied web design, it showed how much difference there is between Finns and foreigners. They’re more talkative. The Finns didn’t talk to me that much, except one. Finding friends is much easier than finding that partner in crime. I can never found a friend who I have something in common with. Most people at my ages have families or are married. They discuss things I don’t know anything about. Being an introvert makes it even harder to talk to strangers. If I do talk to them, it doesn’t become a friendship.

People look for the one to share their life with but I’ve looked for friendships my whole life. Maybe my destiny is to be alone and I never find that partner in crime. It’s a bit of a dilemma. I want to be alone but sometimes I wish I had a friend to share things with. It’s just that I can never find a person who’s at the same wave length as me. It feels like my life hasn’t changed much. It’s like I mature slower than most people. I’m mentally 16 but others are at their real age. I’ve always felt I was smarter than other people at my age. I’ve never been experimental because I didn’t find anything fun about it. I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. You can’t miss something you have never experienced. I won’t get depressed about how my life went when I get old. I’m not one of those people who will say, I wish I had done that. The same goes with the partner in crime bit. I like meeting different people and I don’t necessarily need a special person in my life.

I’ve mentioned in a few posts on this blog how easily bored I get. The same goes with other people. I don’t want to get attached to people too much. I’ve had too many sad moments in my life. My biggest fear has always been losing a loved one and they all came true. No one lives forever but they were taken too early from me. I’ve also got hurt too many times, my trust is limited. I don’t want to admit it and less think about it. But deep inside I know the reason why I always like someone I can’t have. It’s because it’s easier and you don’t get hurt or rejected. Sometimes it’s hard to like someone from a far. You wish they could know you but you’ll never meet them. A fantasy does never become reality. You can’t make someone like you the way you like them. Life is not a soap opera where you do anything to make that person yours. I don’t even think I could stick to one person the rest of my life. No matter if it’s your partner in crime in friendship or an intimate relationship, it’s better to live alone than suffer from heartache. It might sound harsh but if you’ve gone through life the way I have, your trust in people is hard to get back.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Symphony for my ears

symphony

Not only the voices of actors Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston and Lee Pace are a symphony for my ears but also music. My taste is wide-ranged and listens to a lot of different styles. However, there are certain and bands that are closer to my heart. I’m not that into these new artists even though the likes of Adam Lambert and Kelly Clarkson is quite high on my list. But they don’t give me the same feeling older ones get. Most of the bands and artists I like are still making music. Instead of making a list of all my favourites, I’m gonna mention a bit more of my most precious likes.

Duran Duran
I’ve mentioned this band in my older posts. I’ve liked them since the 80’s. They’re from Birmingham, England and they’ve been around since 1978 so it’s gonna be 40 years next year. They’ve changed its members a few times and some have come back. They still going strong despite all the problems. That’s saying a lot about them. They made great music in the 80’s and they still got it. They have so many great songs, I can’t choose one. They released their latest album ‘Paper Gods’ in 2015. They’re on tour right now but unfortunately not even close to Scandinavia. No one knows how long they will be touring so they probably won’t come to Finland. I really hope they do because in 2010 their concert got cancelled and that would have been my first ever concert. Going to see them live abroad is too expensive for me. Unless I win the lottery but that will never happen. Every song they’ve recorded makes me feel better. When my mother died, their music helped me get through my sorrow.

Bon Jovi
Like with Duran Duran, I’ve also liked them since the late 80’s. I think ‘Living on a Prayer’ from the ‘Slippery when wet’ album was the first song I heard and that was in 1986. My friend taped me their album ‘Keep the faith’ but I’ve never bought their albums. Their latest is called ‘This house is not for sale’ which is the first one I bought. I listened to it every day since it was released in 2016, that’s how much I love it. My favourite song of them of all time is, ‘You gave love a bad name’ You really don’t need to buy albums anymore because of Spotify but I actually prefer them. I’m not always online and a band like them, old school is always the best. They’ve been to Finland a lot of times which proves how popular they are here.

Take That
They were the first band that I became a big fan of. They’re from Manchester, England. I bought all their albums and watched their videos. I have a lot of VHS tapes that I recorded from different interviews and TV appearances. They’re really funny which is one of the reasons why I loved them so much. They split up in 1996 but reunited 10 years later as a 4 piece. Now they’re a trio and still sell millions in their country of UK. I don’t own their latest albums but I listen to them online from time to time. I’ve seen their concert in the movie theatre but that’s the closest I ever got. I’ve seen them live on TV before. They still sound great live. They also have so many great songs I can’t choose which one I love the best.

Robbie Williams
Next Thursday one of my dreams will come true. I’ll attend my first ever concert and he gets the honour so to speak. I’m very excited about this I can hardly contain myself. He was a member of Take That in the 90’s. He’s been through a lot but pulled through. He’s one of the best selling artists in the world and now I’m going to see him play live. The only time I’ve seen him live was in the movie theatre but it wasn’t enough to feed my needs. My favourite song is ‘Strong’ because he really is strong and it’s a couraging to all of us. His music gets right to my soul. I can’t really explain the feeling his music gives me. As I write this, I listen to his latest album ‘The heavy entertainment show‘ on Spotify. He’s getting better as the years go by. He as a person is also great. He was so funny when he was in Take That and that humour is still there. That’s one of the reasons why he’s so well liked.

Michael Jackson
He really was the King of Pop. He made great music and his dancing was amazing. A lot of artists have him as a hero and so is he to me. He was not only a great entertainer but he cared a lot about the world. I was really sad when he passed away. No matter what people think of him, without him there wouldn’t be other artists. He was an inspiration to everybody. My favourite song is ‘The way you make me feel’ because of the beat. It’s really amazing how many people can make the moves he made. I’ve seen his live performances on TV and there’s a lot of those videos on Youtube. He really made a real impact in pop culture and he should always be remembered as a great musical genius.

Madonna
She’s my female hero. Like with Michael, she’s an inspiration to many. She never cared what others think of her. She’s never been afraid to be different. That’s what I most admire about her. I wish I could be as brave as her. She’s a pioneer and she’s proved that a woman can do things men can do. Like with some other artists and bands I’ve mentioned, I liked her music since the 80’s. My favourite song from that area is ‘Who’s that girl?’ Honestly, her older songs are better than the one in 2000’s. Even though I like some of her newer stuff as well. I don’t only like her music but also as a person. She’s really caring about the world and her children are very important. She’s open- minded and she’s showed the world you’re worth the same no matter what sexuality or colour you are.

So there you have it. I have so many other favourites but those are the most loved. Any kind of music is a symphony for my years but pop and rock are number one. I couldn’t live without music. If I only had one reason to live, it would be that one. It will never die even if the person does. Some become classics and still sound great after decades but some will be forgotten. I’m not judging but what people listen to these days are appalling but each to their own. New bands and artists come and go but music, in general, will always remain.