You are one of a kind

human reflection in puddle

I’m so glad I don’t have a dopplegänger, a lookalike. I just couldn’t handle another me. If there was someone who looked like me, they wouldn’t be like me. They would probably be totally the opposite. If I saw someone who looked like me, it would feel creepy. Maybe if it was my twin, it would feel different because then I’ve seen myself from birth. If it’s a stranger it would be really awkward. I’m not really confident when it comes to my looks. I don’t even like looking myself in the mirror. I hope there wouldn’t be someone like me because then I wouldn’t be one of a kind. Everyone is unique in some way and not just me.

For example, no one will ever replace my mother because no one is like her. Someone can be a bit like her but they will never be her. The same with anyone. You can never fill the void with another person because they’re not like that person. Confusing? Let me give another example.
If someone said to me to get over a guy I like because I won’t have a chance. I will find someone closer. But there isn’t anyone like him. Maybe someone can be a bit like him but they never be him. Besides if they were like him, it would feel weird. It’s the personality of a person that can’t be replaced. I don’t know if that cleared it but anyway.

I am what I am and no one can be me. No one can imagine how it is to be me because well, they’re not me. The same goes with other people. I can imagine what someone is like but I never really know how it is to walk in their shoes. I wish someone could one day think of me, I was one of a kind and I could never be replaced. They would miss me terribly when I no longer exist. They can find someone else but they would feel I could never be replaced. That’s an impression I want to leave this world. A doppelgänger of me won’t walk on this earth because, well I’m one of a kind. And so are you.

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5 assumptions about me and the facts

assumption

People always think they know you because you act a certain way or look a certain way. An assumption is a bad way to judge a person. You shouldn’t assume anything in this world. If you litter in nature, for example, you shouldn’t assume someone else will pick it up. You shouldn’t assume other people will do the work for you. Some people take things for granted and judge before even getting to know the real fact about a person or things.

I don’t know how many times in my life, people have assumed. They think they know me as soon as they see me. I’m never been good with first impressions which are one reason why I fail in a job interview and such. When I was a child assumption from other people have lowered my self- esteem. Teenage years was even worse. Now I don’t care what others think and I don’t get offended. I think it’s really other people problems. So what are they, you ask. Well, here is 5 of those things and the facts.

People thought I was a boy because I had short hair
I’ve always been a tomboy. I did play with dolls but also with toy cars. I also wore dresses and skirts when I was younger. I remember one time when I was in a movie theatre with my mother. I belonged to a movie club when I was about 9 or 10. I went to the bathroom and this lady told me. ‘Sorry this is the ladies room’ Then she looked at me one more time and said sorry. I remember it so well like it was yesterday. It wasn’t the last time someone mistook me for a boy. I really hated it and thought people were blind. Last time I had short hair was in 6th grade and I’ve had long hair ever since.

I’m anti-social because I don’t talk much
I was an intern in a local newspaper as a photographer for two weeks in 2012. The feedback was, I wasn’t social enough. I was there for 2 weeks and they thought I wasn’t social enough?! I did talk to my co-workers so how much talk did they expect from me? I’m not bitter though. I did get something out of the internship. Like my photographs got published. But this whole anti-social thing was silly. You can be social even if you don’t talk much. You should talk just because of talking. If you don’t have anything to say why to force it.

Because I don’t wear makeup I must be a man
This is a bit like the thinking I’m a boy but this was is in adulthood. This really is something that makes me feel bad about myself. So I don’t wear makeup. Maybe because I’m too lazy to put that on and then take it off again. Besides, my skin is sensitive and makeup just irritates my skin. I rather do something else than bother every morning with animal tested paint. If people think I look like a man because I don’t wear it, then so be it. I’m not blessed with pretty looks and makeup won’t help either. Why would I wear it anyway? To impress men? Sorry, but I’m not here to impress others with my appearance. It’s the inside that counts in the end. I rather am alone then pretending to look like someone else. If no guy likes me for who I am, then it’s their loss. If they rather date a woman with warpaint on their faces, it’s their business.

You still don’t have a career, you must be retarded
Maybe not with those words but it does feel like it. Before I had any degrees the employment agency tried to put me on different courses. There were career coaching and job search courses. I did a lot of different personality tests. In the end, it felt like they thought nothing is good enough for me. I just didn’t know what I wanted to do. Now when I do have degrees, it’s the job search. They probably think I’m retarded and that I can’t take care of my own needs. This is just something I feel and not what they really think. They probably tired of me already that I can’t find a job. It’s not really my fault there aren’t enough of jobs.

You have a lively inner life so cut it out
Like that’s a bad thing. Before I knew I was an introvert, this felt like I shouldn’t be like this. So what if I have. It helps me a lot when I write fanfiction. I rather live in my head than in real life. In my head, things go right. Everyone there lives by the script. In real life, people have their own will and you can’t tell them what to do. In my head, I get the guy I want and it has a happy ever after ending. In real life, there are idiots but so there is in my head too. But they get what they deserve. I’m brave in my head and I don’t feel awkward when I talk to strangers. The life in my head is easier. It’s an escape from the real world and if I cut it out, you take a part of me too.

So there you have it. Never assumption anyone before you get to know the person. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone assumed about you and your life? You wouldn’t want to be judged by assumptions. People think they know you but they don’t really. Not in 5 minutes, that’s for sure no matter who you are.

“Our list of allies grows thin”

thin eleven dice

In this case, my allies grows thin. I have no plans what to do next. Except for that graphic design course in Helsinki Design School. This heat we have now makes me tired and I can’t concentrate. It’s only May but it feels like summer. I just hate hot weather and I wish it would be over for good. At least there will be some release soon. Summer also mean summer jobs. For young people that is. People go on their holidays and you can’t contact any of the employers. Companies have their substitutes already. Time just isn’t on my side. So isn’t my age.

I’m turning 41 in June and the older I get fewer changes I have. It gets thinner and thinner. It doesn’t help last time I had a job was in 2012 and it wasn’t even paid. I had that on-the-job learning thing but I guess that’s not appreciated either. Employers probably think I’m lazy because I haven’t bothered getting a job. It doesn’t help I’ve studied things. They want people with jobs and not a long-term unemployed person. Not only that but also people with talking skills. I fail at job interviews because I’m an introvert who can’t act extroverted. When I try to find a job to apply for it’s in a different city and I’m under qualified. I got so many flaws and feel I failed at employment altogether. There is no use crying over something that has already happened. I should look forward and keep the faith.

I wish I wasn’t such a dreamer. I should do something about my life instead of complain about it. I just feel I’m a misfit for everything. There are times I’ve felt I belonged. Like in studying but when it comes to making things for a living, I’m totally in a different universe. Once in my life, I want to do something brave and being an entrepreneur is one of them. But it’s so hard to decide to do it or not. I did the course but it doesn’t mean I can really do it. I don’t want to fail and start all over again. I lack the experience of a real paid job but a lot of young people start a business without any experience so that shouldn’t be a problem for me. There are so many questions and thin answers that I don’t know what to do. I read about blogs about entrepreneurs who’s been doing it for years and they make it look so easy. They have their problems but they solve them. It feels like I don’t really belong to that brave bunch. Because they are brave unlike me who do anything to avoid problems. I don’t seem to have that entrepreneur mindset either.

Every time I look for a job to apply for I don’t find anything suitable. I want to give up the job search altogether. Especially that active model Finland has now where you have to get a job or else you lose part of your unemployment benefits. Entrepreneurship looks so much more tempting. Starting one isn’t the hardest part though, it’s what comes after it. My problems are really decision making. As long as I’m healthy and vibrant anything can be possible. If you give up and start thinking you’re not wanted anywhere, it’s then you lose yourself and your hopes will be dashed. Allies might get thin but you can always find new ones. There’s always someone with the same kind of problems. You can find a solution one way or another. The best feeling is when you can share your thoughts with other people and they can relate to it. I really hope this post has had that same effect.