Climbing up the ladder to success is hard work and you only achieve it by having great confidence but I don’t think I have what it takes to do so.
If you haven’t figured it out already after reading the title of this post, I got the subject line inspiration from Norman Bates (Psycho) quote “We all go crazy sometimes”
Let’s face it, we all get cranky sometimes. We are humans after all and there are days nothing seems to go right. You can’t be happy all the time. We’re not robots who are controlled by someone else. Everyone has different ways to get cranky. Some do it more obvious than others. When I get cranky, you know it and you might think I’ve gone crazy.
I won’t throw things. I’m not a violent person but I get irritated easily. You don’t want to be around when I’m cranky because you will feel it in your bones. I swear like a sailor and yell like hell. But I also have calmer crankiness and then I just want to be alone. There can be days when everything is good but then something happens during the day and I become cranky. It can spoil a lot of things for a while but then that feeling disappears again. I’ve always done things when I feel like it and if I’m not in the mood, I do something else that pleases me.
I’ve written this somewhere else before but I write it again. I get bored easily and if I can’t do things I want to do, I get cranky and refuse to do anything. I’m also very critical of myself which makes me cranky sometimes. Patience has never been my strongest point and I’m quite stubborn which makes me cranky at myself. I’ve never had trouble saying no but it doesn’t mean I’m a negative person. I’m just careful and think deeply what I choose to do. Even if I do my best, it still feels I’m never getting better. I give up too easily and don’t try again if I fail. You would think I would have learned by now, that if I don’t practise, I’ll never get any better. I keep running in the same wheel of life and I can’t get out. Or walking in circles without finding my way. I know there’s a way because I have the will but something is holding me back and hell that makes me so cranky.
I always worry if I’m good enough to do a job. I’ve studied different things but I have never done any real jobs in those fields. I’ve studied script writing, graphic design, photography and now web design. I have different skills but I’ve uncertain if I’m good enough. I’m glad I haven’t studied to become a nurse because I would be afraid I might hurt somebody. I’m trustworthy and can keep a secret but when it comes to making a living, I don’t trust myself.
When it comes to doing nothing, I’m entering my territory. Actually, if you see me doing nothing, it means I still do. There’s never a quiet moment in my head. I keep thinking about different things. If I got a penny from every thought, I would be rich by now. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid for thinking. You can if you become a pro blogger but that means you have to do something. Thinking and writing things down, are different things. I’m too lazy to use my energy to think what to write about. Blogging as a hobby is much more satisfying since I write for myself and not for a client. Writing for a living would be too overwhelming for me.
It’s on the job learning period in the web design education and I keep thinking, I am doing the right things? Do I ask the right questions for a possible client? This is part of the education to be unsure but what happens when the school is over? Can I succeed as a web designer? What if I haven’t learned the right things and I only realise it much later? What I least want to happen is misleading a client. I wanted to become different things and I’m always doubting if I can do anything. Maybe this doubt is a curse or I just lack confidence. I know I can do things but I’m too afraid to make a mistake. It’s not the small ones but the big ones. In the design business, the competition is tough so I don’t know if I’m ambitious enough. That’s the same with photography and it makes me wonder why I chose creative subjects in the first place. Competition is definitely not my territory.
I would hate it if I had to start all over again. I don’t want to be a student all my life. I want to have a life that means something. If I had one wish it would be bravery. I want to stick to something for once and not searching in the darkness. Everybody should have at least one territory they excel in. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for but I hope I’ll find it soon.