Transforming to a failure

failure
Made in Canva

I could write this on my web design haven blog but I’m really upset and disappointed right now. This web design education is going really bad. We are supposed to make a website about an imaginative travelling agency and it should be ready next Monday. But I can’t even do the basics. It should be in HTML5 and there you use different kind of codes. We make them in Dreamweaver. This week we’re studying at home so there’s no help from the teacher. No matter what code I put, nothing works. I haven’t learned anything and it’s already been two months. Maybe I’m just stupid. I already hate making websites. I shouldn’t hate it but when things never go the way I want to. I’m already thinking of quitting school since I never learn. I don’t even learn from the papers we got from the teacher. If I can’t make a site for myself, how will I know how to make one for a client? This on-job-learning is coming too soon. There will be one next year and it’s more than a month. The way things are going now with the studying, it looks unlikely I managed to get anywhere by then. I really don’t want to quit but this is getting on my nerves. I haven’t studied much and it’s already Tuesday. I never get this assignment finished and I’m close to give up on it.

Some transformation there. I thought web design could become a new thing for me but obviously not. I hate practising because it’s so frustrating. I’ve never become anything. I can use the internet and I can write but that doesn’t pay your bills. The photography thing didn’t work out either. By patience is running out. I feel totally useless. When things are difficult I just lose interest. If web design would be moving things with your mouse like you do in WordPress blog platform, then I could do it. But you need to know coding and that’s what I can’t do. No matter what the teacher say, I’ll never learn. I only get angry and frustrated at myself for being so slow in learning. Studying shouldn’t be so hard. You need to have motivation and patience which I lack off. It would be so much easier if I had a job where you don’t need a creative mind. But I never wanted an ordinary job. Practising should be enjoyable and not something you hate doing. Practice makes perfect but if it doesn’t motivate you, how can you go on?

If someone asked me what’s my occupation is, I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m nothing is not something to be proud of. I’m not a photographer and not a web designer. Definitely not the latter. It’s looks good on paper but you actually should know what to do. Writing resumes is a pain because you’re not really anything besides a lazy person. Lazy in the sense of wanting the easy way out. I don’t want the easiest way but I don’t want to struggle either. I want to be something but it shouldn’t be this hard. I can’t imagine people who have ambitions because I’ve never had any. I can’t come out of my comfort zone no matter how much people encourage me. There’s always gonna be a doubt in my mind that I can’t do things. Even if deep inside I know I can. I guess that’s the Gemini in me, two people in one. Right now those people can’t get along. We all have a dark side but mine is more of a battle between my mind and my heart. There’s only one solution and that’s compromise. Like with different people, we all have to get along.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

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Author: Mia

My primary blog 'In my world' is about things I like. Not so much personal stuff. I'm a private person and I want to keep it that way. Also visit my 'MiaPhotolio', 'My Web Design Haven" and 'Fan Fiction Haven'

12 thoughts on “Transforming to a failure”

  1. Hmm… I can imagine how frustrating that is. But don’t be too hard on yourself and make it sound permanent. Maybe it’s a phase… maybe follow your heart and try something you like instead of what you think you should like.

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    1. I really hope it’s just a phase.I know I like doing creative things.At the moment web design do interest me but it just feels impossible to learn it.

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      1. I don’t know if you need to have a strong technical brain for coding but most of the time, it’s easier to learn and retain something enjoyable.. maybe relax and let it come. And do the photography on the side, just for fun. 🙂

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      2. You don’t need a special brain to learn coding and anyone can learn it if they put their mind to it. It’s not easy though no matter how smart a person is. I started studying web design because it goes so well with photography so I actually want to know both.It is true it’s more fun to learn when you enjoy it.I will learn to like it. It just takes more time.

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  2. Hang in there, man. You write well. Coding sucks. Resume-writing sucks. Maybe you should be like me and just settle for a super low-end job where you don’t do much of anything. All it takes is the willingness to embrace poverty. Poverty isn’t the worst thing in the world. I mean, it bites, but how hard really depends on how much you want, beyond the essentials. If you can be content with the basics… yes, I am recommending poverty. Haha. Anyways I enjoyed reading your dreary post. Been there.

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  3. First time on your blog, this was so sad, yet familiar. I’ve have many trades and have done really random jobs/careers, with the idea as long as I’m happy. Over the years some have come in handy and others was perhaps just good experience, some was just good because I met a new friend. Think calling yourself a slow learner or stupid isn’t helpful to anyone, especially not yourself. Hope that you either get to finish your course or realise it’s not for you. Good luck though

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    1. Thank you for your comment 🙂 I totally agree. I see this as an adventure and it won’t be easy but yet I won’t give up.It has become easier since I wrote this post though.

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