In memory of my sister


Today it’s been 33 years since my big sister past away. Even if it’s been that long, I never really got over it. She was 10 and I was 6. I don’t remember much of that time. She got sick at a very young age. It was something with her immune system. At the time the illness was unknown. She had some kind of tumour in her brain since she had to shave her head. I don’t actually know what kind of decease she had. Losing a child and a sibling at a very young age changes a person for good. No one should go through it. Children should not become sick. They should live a life and not got banned from it. I can really sympathise with people who has lost a child or a sibling. A part of you dies and you never really get over it. You just move on. Life is full of unfairness. Some experience it more than others. Sometimes I think why do I have go through this. Why am I banned from happiness? Haven’t I suffered enough? Those are question everyone will go through one way or another.

My childhood was happy until that day. After that I wasn’t the same person. No one knows how to grow up without a sibling besides a person who lost one themselves. People bicker about how much they dislike their sister or brother. At least they have one. Try to live a life without a sibling. If you’re an only child, you don’t know how it is to have one.
I am a bit envy of people with siblings. You can never replace them. They are not toys you can buy in a store. No matter what your relationship is with them, you still have someone to share your sorrows and happiness with. A relationship with a sibling is not like an intimate relationship with your partner. You known your siblings all your life. They lived your childhood. They know the real you. Your childhood molds you to the person you become.

I can only speak for myself how my sister’s death has affected me. I’ve tried to analyse why I am the way I am. Why I’m not as brave as I should be? Why am I not a risk taker and so on. One of the reason is that I haven’t had that sibling who encourage me. Of course parents have supported me in whatever I did but a sibling is a bit different. My sister was good at making friends which I’ve never been good at. I always wondered how I got friends in the first place. Those friends I had didn’t really understand what I went through when I lost her. There was an incident in school once but I don’t remember any of it. My mother never told me what is was. Maybe she just wanted to save me from pain. Losing her first-born took a toll on her too. She became maybe a little overprotective over me but I don’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault. Other bad experiences changed me and not her.

I loved my sister and she loved me. A shame we couldn’t grow up to adulthood. My life would be totally different. I would be a different person. But you can’t turn back the clock. You have to live the life you’re giving. I sometimes think about how life would be if she was still around but I also think about how life would be now if my mother was alive. There’s nothing wrong about thinking what if. I do get sad when I think about it. If I had my sister she would have been a great comfort and wouldn’t feel so alone after mother died. She would probably have a family I could spend my holidays with. I don’t know what kind of job she would have but she would have one. She would help me find my place and my mind wouldn’t wanderer around in my head. I don’t know if my life would be happier but I sure would smile more. No one knows what life would be like if people wouldn’t die. It sure is nice from time to time to think about what ifs. Nothing will change but it’s great comfort to think about a life that could be.

I feel banned at times and think what have I done to deserve this. But bad things happen to good people. My sister didn’t deserve to die such a young age. My mother was also a good person but still she became sick. Diseases shouldn’t take good people. It doesn’t matter if you good or bad, death comes no matter what, deserved or not. I just hope my life won’t be all sorrow. I don’t want to feel banned but I don’t want people to bug me either. I don’t believe in God anymore (and I’m not a religious person) because I’ve lost so many loved once. Maybe there is a high power who decides who lives and who dies.

So today it’s 33 years when my sister passed away. She’s not in human form anymore but she still lives in my memories. I miss her everyday and I think about her when I’m lonely.
Be happy to have a sibling(s) Never take them for granted because some of us wish we still had one. See yourself privileged. Think what would be worse, losing a sibling or have one alive. I doubt many can put themselves in our shoes. You can sympathise but you can never know how it really feels like until you’re there yourself.

RIP Nina 1973-1983


Transforming to a failure

Made in Canva

I could write this on my web design haven blog but I’m really upset and disappointed right now. This web design education is going really bad. We are supposed to make a website about an imaginative travelling agency and it should be ready next Monday. But I can’t even do the basics. It should be in HTML5 and there you use different kind of codes. We make them in Dreamweaver. This week we’re studying at home so there’s no help from the teacher. No matter what code I put, nothing works. I haven’t learned anything and it’s already been two months. Maybe I’m just stupid. I already hate making websites. I shouldn’t hate it but when things never go the way I want to. I’m already thinking of quitting school since I never learn. I don’t even learn from the papers we got from the teacher. If I can’t make a site for myself, how will I know how to make one for a client? This on-job-learning is coming too soon. There will be one next year and it’s more than a month. The way things are going now with the studying, it looks unlikely I managed to get anywhere by then. I really don’t want to quit but this is getting on my nerves. I haven’t studied much and it’s already Tuesday. I never get this assignment finished and I’m close to give up on it.

Some transformation there. I thought web design could become a new thing for me but obviously not. I hate practising because it’s so frustrating. I’ve never become anything. I can use the internet and I can write but that doesn’t pay your bills. The photography thing didn’t work out either. By patience is running out. I feel totally useless. When things are difficult I just lose interest. If web design would be moving things with your mouse like you do in WordPress blog platform, then I could do it. But you need to know coding and that’s what I can’t do. No matter what the teacher say, I’ll never learn. I only get angry and frustrated at myself for being so slow in learning. Studying shouldn’t be so hard. You need to have motivation and patience which I lack off. It would be so much easier if I had a job where you don’t need a creative mind. But I never wanted an ordinary job. Practising should be enjoyable and not something you hate doing. Practice makes perfect but if it doesn’t motivate you, how can you go on?

If someone asked me what’s my occupation is, I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m nothing is not something to be proud of. I’m not a photographer and not a web designer. Definitely not the latter. It’s looks good on paper but you actually should know what to do. Writing resumes is a pain because you’re not really anything besides a lazy person. Lazy in the sense of wanting the easy way out. I don’t want the easiest way but I don’t want to struggle either. I want to be something but it shouldn’t be this hard. I can’t imagine people who have ambitions because I’ve never had any. I can’t come out of my comfort zone no matter how much people encourage me. There’s always gonna be a doubt in my mind that I can’t do things. Even if deep inside I know I can. I guess that’s the Gemini in me, two people in one. Right now those people can’t get along. We all have a dark side but mine is more of a battle between my mind and my heart. There’s only one solution and that’s compromise. Like with different people, we all have to get along.






Give me at least one tiny chance

tiny statueIt seems I never get even tiny chances in anything. If it’s a chance to get someone to like you romantically or getting an internship in a company. The latter is the most important thing. I don’t seem to get any foot between any door. No matter how many times I send applications or ask through email, I never get any replies. We are supposed to find a client or an internship in a company in our web design education which begins November 14 and is to December 11, 2016. I have no luck to find anything. Even social media hasn’t helped. I’m probably the only one in my class without anything. Maybe web design is just not my thing after all. I don’t even think I could make any sites without help. I already struggle with it. If I can’t make one to myself, how can I make for someone else? That’s the reason why I would prefer a company where they make web sites. It seems I never even have a tiny chance. It’s hard to keep up the motivation when I feel like I can’t do anything.

These are times I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why doesn’t anyone give me a tiny chance in anything? Am I too ugly to get hired? I have studied different things but it’s not appreciated enough it seems. Maybe I’m just not good at explaining things. I’ve been on job search courses but those were no help. It doesn’t matter what kind of advice you get, they won’t work. If they work, it happens to other people. Luck doesn’t seem to find me. I have skills but only I seem to know that. It’s not my fault I’m being overlooked. A lot of other people are too so I’m not alone with this problem. I’m old enough and confident enough to know it’s not me, it’s them. The only fight I’m gonna have is with myself.

Tiny things won’t let me down. I’ve learned to enjoy the small things in life. I love walking through fallen leaves. I love the rain. I don’t care if it’s dark outside. I put my rubber boots on and take my umbrella to take a walk. I jump in the puddles like little kids do. In the winter if there’s snow I take long walks. I don’t mind the cold. That’s what warm clothes are for. I take some snow and try to make a ball. I throw it away and maybe I hit a tree. That’s what life is for. Why do adults stop doing these things? You’re never too old. It’s only stuck up people who thinks so and there’s a lot of those people.
I love writing fan fiction. I won’t stop just because someone doesn’t like them. I’m not the best writer out there but that’s not the reason I do it. I write them because it gives me a chance to escape the world for a while. Sometimes I’m so into them, I forget the time. I hate to stop when the words are flowing. When inspiration struck, you don’t want to stop or you have to catch the train of thought again.

Always do what you love the most. That’s how I go by. Tiny stuff but big thoughts. Life would be empty without them.